Phill Evans Illustration

“A Bee in my Bonnet: Obsessions of a Bee Keeper” book cover.

2012-01-25T09:53:00.001-08:00

Just completed this image for the cover of Louise Westwood's forthcoming book "A bee in my bonnet: Obsessions of a bee keeper."

Amazon Presence...Wow!!

2012-01-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

I was looking around on Amazon UK today and found this link to the soon-to-be-released book "Beginners Guide to Women's History" which I spent the summer illustrating. It is available for the Kindle too :)

Phill

Survey to test the assumptions about the value and time taken to make commercial (illustrative) art.

2012-01-18T15:53:00.001-08:00

The assumptions I was testing (my hypotheses...)

That non-professional creatives assumed that art just “happened” in no time at all
That non-professional creatives assumed that art was of low value and therefore devalued or underestimated the time which it took to create a piece.

Also that there was a corollary to this which was that:

Professional creatives would correctly estimate the value and time put into piece.

I had a further question which I wanted to ask as a digital artist which is about the perception of digital work and it's value. I suspect that a significant percentage of non-professionals would devalue digital art as opposed to traditional media. I wanted to ask the same questions of professionals as I have a suspicion that the same would apply.

The Questionnaire.

The survey was constructed using a non-commercial version of the application available through www.surveymonkey.com. The survey was limited to ten questions which did not allow for logic streaming of the respondent's answers. It only allowed access to he first one hundred responses, which became relevant.

I publicised my questionnaire through my Facebook account which, because of the link being shared on, meant that I very quickly reached one hundred respondents.

Using the limitations imposed by the survey software I limited it to seven questions which I felt would address my hypotheses:

Question One:

“Would you describe yourself as being employed in the creative industry? For instance the arts, theatre, television or films, crafts etc. “

I allowed a choice of only one answer; yes, no and dont know. Only one respondent skipped this question. I included this because I wanted to test my hypotheses against two distinct groups of people, i.e. those acquainted with the creative industries and those who would predominantly not be. For the purposes of data analysis I included those responding “don't know” in the “no” group.

Question Two:

“Would you say that you had a creative hobby? This might include drawing or painting, crafting, scrap-booking etc.”

Again there was a single choice answer of yes or no. I did not include “don’t know” as I assumed everyone would. One person did skip this question however, although this could have been a problem with the survey format. I included this question because I wanted to see how popular creative hobbies were among both groups and whether this would have affected subsequent responses regarding the value and timing of the work needed to create a piece.

Question Three:

“Have you ever paid an artist or other creative to make something specially for you or someone else? This could be a painter, photographer, sculptor or ceramicist (potter) etc.”

Again a binary yes or no answer choice with three people skipping the question. This question was to assess those who had been exposed to the valuation and production of art before and to guage how this affected their subsequent answers.

Question Four:

“What media do you think this image was made in?”

At this stage in the survey I showed the respondent the following image;

This is my own image created digitally in about four days. It was not for sale but has subsequently been valued in print form as worth about £30-50. I include this information for interest as I wanted the data from the following questions to be compared professional against non-professional creative rather than as a test of the respondents ability to recognise my artistic qualities.

I included question four as part of my interest as a digital artist. I feel the image is very obviously digital as it contains elements of several media (line and wash, photographic collage, digital texturing) which would not mesh together so smoothly in a non-digital image. The respondents were given a list of several more or less likely media to choose one from:

pen and ink
line and wash (pen and watercolour)
acrylic paint
oil paint
watercolour
collage
digital
other.

Thirteen people skipped this question and were not included in the data analysis.

Question Five:

“How long do you think it took me to make this image?”

This question gave a range of possible responses from which to choose one. Five people skipped this question. It is a simple way of checking how a respondent gauges the time an image takes to prepare. I was not interested in whether the respondent was right per se, but rather how the groups differed, if at all, in assessment of time taken.

Question Six.

“What monetary value would you give this image?”

Again a single choice from a list of possible options with six people skipping the question. Again, too, not an assessment of valuation ability but rather a tool to compare and contrast the two groups. Questions six and five were the key questions for this survey as I wanted to compare the professional and non-professional responses as a guide to assumptions about the (time) effort put into creating a piece and the (monetary) value given to that by the respondents.

Question Seven:

“If I now told you that the image was created digitally, would that affect the valuation which you chose on the last page?”

This final element of the survey is to assess the value (or lack thereof) placed upon digital image making. I suspected that a small but significant group of respondents would have felt that the image being digital devalued it in some way. Again, I did not ask whether they liked or aesthetically valued the image but focussed on commercial monetary value as a simple way of gauging the differing responses of the groups (if such a difference existed.)

The Figures.

Of the 100 respondents, 33% identify themselves as being in the creative professions, 84% have identified themselves as having creative hobbies and 60% report having commissioned an artist at least once.

Estimates of time to complete the piece.

As can be seen from the graph above, my assumption that non-professionals would underestimate the time taken to complete the piece was wholly mistaken. The majority gave a central, reasonable estimate of the time needed with the numbers tailing off toward the extreme high/low estimates fairly steadily.

Interestingly, the professional group gave a clearly lower estimation of the time needed.

Estimates of monetary value for the piece.

As can be seen from the second chart, once again the non-professional group confound my assumptions by giving a fairly even spread of estimates, with the largest group choosing a mid-range estimate and numbers tailing off toward each extreme.

However, it is interesting that the professional respondents give a much less consistent series of responses, with almost as many valuing the piece in the £11-15 range as in the £101-150 range.

A final breakdown of the indication of relative valuations given by respondents to the survey is to look at the implied hourly salary which can be estimated from the replies given.

I used a simple equation of the median value for each money and time range to deliver an hourly rate therefore:

Respondent X estimates £0-10 for value ( median = 5) and 3-7 hours estimated time (median 5)

5/5 = 1 giving an hourly rate of £1:00 per hour.

Using this system I identified that he average estimated hourly rate for the professional group was £11.99 whilst that for the non-professional respondents was only £6:20.

The Digital Divide.

There is still, in my experience, a fairly widespread view that drawing or creating art digitally is “cheating” somehow. In general there seems to be an impression that one simply has to press a certain button in Photoshop for a drawing to be made for you. To some extent this may be the fault of illustrators or commissioning editors who have done so much to make contemporary British illustration anodyne and lacking in selection. That, however, is for another survey! My intention with the last question was to identify, roughly, the proportion of respondents who felt that digital artwork was of less intrinsic value than work made in traditional media. Whilst not a majority, the 17.8% of people who think this (including 12% of the professional respondents) make up a considerable proportion of the population. As a digital illustrator it is a potential proportion of my clients whom I must win over if I am to gain their trust, their commissions and their money!

Conclusion:

In the mid-1980's as a student nurse I saw repeatedly how the assumptions professionals made about their practice, their clients and their own perceptions were changed forever when exposed to systematic research. I therefore wanted to focus this survey on what I felt was true but was insecure about the reality of some of my assumptions.

I felt strongly that the perception of non- arts practitioners was that art just happened, in an unspecified short space of time and that, because it was not “real work” it was undervalued monetarily. By de constructing the responses to my survey I have shown that this is in fact true, although not by the significant margin I had been expecting. Certainly by developing an average hourly rate from the individual's replies, on can see a significant difference. However, the figures revealed by the survey do bare some further scrutiny.

If one makes the assumption of working 8 hours per day for 250 days per year then this gives an annual salary of £23, 980 per annum (professional estimate) or only £12,400 per annum if one uses the non-professional group average hourly pay. But according to the figures shown at www.mysalary.co.uk, an aggregator and tracker of average salaries across all commercial sectors, the average salary for an illustrator in the UK in 2010 was £44,750. Using the formula (set by them and given above) this reveals an average UK hourly rate of £22.38, almost twice that given by the professional respondents of this survey. So it would appear that not only do the non-professional public have a limited view of the value of art work (I use illustration as an example because that is my professional base and the piece used in the survey was an illustration) but so do the professionals themselves.

I can, after conducting this survey, approach future negotiations with clients with a better understanding of my responsibility to both educate them in the realities of the production of art as a commercial commodity and also in the value and integrity of the digital medium.

Hope you find that useful!

Phill

Disability Arts in Shropshire Photoshop Workshops.

2012-01-16T08:17:00.000-08:00

I was very pleased to be asked to run a two day workshop on drawing in Photoshop for artists involved with Disability Arts in Shropshire in November. There were six attendees, all adults who were arts practitioners in various media but who had never tried, or considered, digital drawing before.

I began the session with a quick presentation on why one might want to draw digitally, then an introduction to a sample of digital work by artists available on the web. I then did a walk through of a piece of my own layer by layer (you can see the same image being presented as a how-to tutorial here.)

Here are some of the shots of the workshop and the images produced taken by DASH's own Paula Dower:

Image (C) John Wilson, 2011.

Image (C) Margaret Wilson 2011.

Image (C) Avril Boyce 2011.

Image (C) Ann Patterson.

Image (C) Julie Hedges 2011.

The workshop was a great success and as you can see from the quality of the images the "students" were all able to produce high quality work after only a short period of tuition and with a little peer support. None of this would have been possible without the sterling work of Paula Dower and the team at DASH, with funing from the Cooperative Society.

Phill

Survey: "What it takes to make an image..."

2012-01-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

Have been tasked as part of my MA Design Practice course to design a short questionnaire for a piece of research on my own practice. I would be most grateful to you if you would take a few minutes to answer the seven questions in the survey here.

I will be writing the piece up in a week (it has to be in on the 23rd) and will publishing my findings here and on my Facebook page.

Thanks in advance!

Phill

Moonlight, Murder and Machinery - cover

2012-01-11T04:42:00.000-08:00

Cover for the ebook "Moonlight, Murder and Machinery" by Tokyo based author John Paul Catton.

Folio Society Bloody Chamber competition submissions.

2012-01-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

The following illustrations submitted to the Folio Society competition to illustrate "The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories" by Angela Carter.

Cover design.

Cover design

A Company of Wolves

The Bloody Chamber (internal illustration)

Puss In Boots

“Alice” Exhibition at Tate Liverpool 7-11-2011

2011-11-29T01:34:00.001-08:00

I have to say I wasnt impressed. Posted this on the MA Discussion Forum of the North Wales School of Art & Design, which prompted some discussion:

“

Was it me, or was anyone else who went to the Alice exhibition at Tate Liverpool disappointed? I felt that the gallery had over reached itself and that the Alice link was, in many cases, tenuous at best and some of the work was pretty dull.

As an example, although it is a matter of record that the early British surrealists were called the Children of Alice, and it as always good to look at Nash's work, the link to the book ended there for most of the exhibited pieces. It would have been a bit of a reach to even claim a surrealist link between a steam train and Alice...

I have to say that by the end of my time in the gallery I was feeling pretty jaded and pretty Phill-istine. By jumbling so many pieces together, with so little to connect them (if anything at all) it felt that not only had any cohesion been lost, but in many cases the pretension to art had been dissolved. Many of the pieces had simply dissolved for me into more-or-less pretty patterns or random accretions of stuff. Or in one case pink pornography whose only connection with Alice was a reflected version and a bad porn industry pun.

The low point, for me, was the Rossetti which was a fine example of a boilermaker. The only element of the painting which stood out as of having been of some interest to the painter was the young black girl, whose face was painted exquisitely. The white women looming over her had bland, formulaic pre-Raphaelite faces which Rossetti obviously could (and from the looks of things did) paint in his sleep. Slap on some wavy red hair and jobs a good 'un, bills paid for another month.

Best bit for me was the Peter Blake prints for the never published "Through the looking glass." Being an illustrator I suppose it's no surprise that I would choose pictures as the work which most appeals, but there was a cohesion and directness to the images which really appealed to me. Plus, they were actually about poor Alice.

I did enjoy the Charles Dodgson photography, although I was surprised that there was no apparent mention of the strange psychosexual relationship Dodgson had with his muse, Alice Liddell. Maybe I missed that bit.

So come on then. Have I missed the point somewhere? Do I deserve to be vilified and spat upon in the streets and have my Art Card taken away?”

I have thought a lot about the exhibition and I still feel it was badly curated and collated, relying more I suspect on poetic licence and what art was in stock than any real connection with Alice or Dodgson. I also came across a fascinating article in the New Scientist which gave a wholly different interpretation of the story as a lampooning of the advanced mathematics with which Dodgson took such exception in his professional life. Although this is dated December ‘09 it too was neglected by the Tate…

Phill

Silence.

2011-11-28T00:18:00.001-08:00

My deafening silence here on my reflective journal has been due to an overwhelming timetable rather than yet another personal disaster. Further details and a write-up of the various conferences, galleries, seminars and jollys will be inclded for reflective purposes.

Alice exhibition at Tate Lliverpool.
Ford Maddox Brown exhibition at Manchester Art Gallery.
Visual Narratives symposium at MMU.
Creative Narratives seminar at FACT, Liverpool.
Research critique essay.
Skills in practice module and colour...
The Folio Society competition.
Halu teeshirts.

Phill

Halu Clothing Publicity Video

2011-11-15T10:57:00.001-08:00

Halu Clothing of Shropshire have made a publicity video in which I make a cameo appearance Halu are A low run, individually printed print-on demand tee shirt company. The designs are mostly by local illustrators who are all linked from the site. Definitely a company to watch, and not just because I did the logo and a couple of tee designs and a video!

Halu Clothing (full video.)

Phill

I give up.

2011-11-02T02:48:00.000-07:00

Liz has asked me not to say why and I have reluctantly agreed, no doubt i will always remember why, but basically she is now living with me. I have cleared out my studio and made it into a spare bedroom for her.

As, no doubt, my friends and indeed my own instinct warned me it is proving to be a disaster. She is still avoiding talking to me although i have tried to keep things easy. Although we are in rooms only ten feet apart and i could hear her if she spoke in her normal voice she insists on communicating only by emails, often monosyllabic and brief.

Last night she told me she was uncomfortable here, which is fair enough, so was eating out and then going to the canoe club. I arranged to meet with her, I thought we could talk over a meal. I wanted to find to what her plans, how long she was intending to stay, even if i could help her find somewhere safe to live.

Instead she tried to give me money towards costs and we ended up haggling. The dinner was unpleasant. I remember I couldn't taste the food at all. Liz is still not thinking, talking or acting like the woman I was married to. Not like a woman I *want* to be married to.

I left after the meal feeling as if my time was wasted. Lizzy was justifying her actions by saying I had been neglectful and lazy and had, basically, left her feeling alone and lonely. Her description of our marriage is so different from my memories. Its like our realities are completely different.

I have agonised about everything that has happened over the last year and even further back than that. I know who I am, I know where I am a coward or weak and I know, I hope, where I have failed as a husband. But I don't recognise the neglectful man she describes.

In her emails she says she felt alone in our relationship, but the truth is she has systematically chosen to cut me out of her life for the last ten months at least. I have made many efforts to close the gaps she was making and she has rebuffed my every time. I always knew that when Liz was low (as regularly happened) that if I pushed myself on her she would withdraw from me. My job has always been to stand by her, support her and then, at some arbitrary point, she would pick a fight with me over something trivial and after an argument during which one of us would realise how silly we looked (usually me) and we would giggle then Liz would tell me what was making her low. After that it was my job to support her and hold her feelings while she got herself sorted out.

Anyway. After about a hundred back and forth emails, and being called nasty and neglectful and lazy and weak (the last two are true, but not relevant) I have once again come to the realisation that there is nothing more I can do. I have given Liz a week to find herself somewhere to live. After that she can live in the van and go wherever she pleases if she wants. For the first time i am contemplating divorce as a realistic and responsible solution to this mess.

Liz's End of The Road Letter (transcript.)

2011-10-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

I am terrible at keeping hold of important letters so I am copying this here. Exactly as written by my words are in square brackets.

Hi Phill,

I am going to try to explain, as you request, my behaviour so that you may be able to move on. The problem is I know it will not satisfy you. I can not tell you when I stopped loving you because I do not know. I think it was when I felt forced to choose [19th september 2011]. You will not want to hear this but I will always love you [?], but want to be with Steve.

I am not leaving you because you are disabled. I am leaving because I want someone to share things equally. I do not mean canoeing, but makes me drinks, looks after me. I do not want you to mourn for me any more.

Of all the friends and family I have spoken to, none seem that concerned, they have their own lives to lead.

I agree we should have been having a conversation about it so everyone could have told me to do the right thing - I know this.

Regarding finance - I know you do not have much to live on and can only suggest you ask Motability to take the car back [already gone]. If you were in Welshampton still the mortgage would have been more than the rent here and the bills were more, so you would be financially worse off. And then of course there would be all the maintenance, not that you ever did any. As for seeing your friends you were always explaining you would never see anybody all day.

Regarding the estate agent [I got an email from an estate agent about a house in Ruyton, I assumed it was asked for by liz and steve] - i would hardly give them your email I do not know what that is about.

Oh dear, I know none of this is not what you want to hear [not true, not true at all].

For months I have been trying to sort my head out. I enjoyed doing all the "stuff" with Steve, sure, but more than that I enjoyed being looked after.

I have been consumed by guilt at my feelings and tried harder than you will ever know to suppress them. What good would telling anyone have done, they would still have been there. Yes people could have told me to stay. That was my intention until the last minute. But if I stayed I would have been miserable and living a lie. This way you get hurt but have a chance to rebuild your life which is what I want for you. Would you want me to stay knowing I want someone else?I know I have done wrong by you but I had to choose. Stay with you and pretend, or leave and try to have a new life. Only time will tell if I made the right decision, but I made it none the less.

Has this helped clarify things for you as you want [yes] ? I doubt it, but have no other explanation, it would just be waffling now.

[she continues...]

If you can hardly believe this is happening, well neither can I. Everything is surreal and guilt is spoiling things as I knew it would. But this is of course what I deserve. I knew what this would do to you but still I did it. Cei is strong and will be OK. I did not leave him [!]. I hope he can forgive the stupid things I said [she told him "I don't want to live with you anyway" and that there wasn't another man involved 24 hours before steve moved into the van with her, she has communicated with him only be occasional, sporadic text message since then] and we can move on. As for our family and friends I am sure they are outraged by my behaviour, but most will be indifferent and some will forgive and some will and stay in touch. As for Steve's family, I will not accept responsibility, despite what Julie may have told you [I have spoken to Julie twice and she has never said anything at all about Liz, just that she loves steve and wants him back].

So hat now, I want you to move on. I had of course hoped your college work would have helped you do that. If you need to hate me, that is OK, what I deserve. If that is what it takes to get over me do it, do whatever it takes.

I really have to stop now, this is pointless.

Farewell

Liz.

________________

I will say more tomorrow, but for now I am wondering who I have been married to, loving, caring for sharing with and bringing drinks to for the last two decades. I give up.

Caffeine apologies...

2011-10-27T05:53:00.001-07:00

Just had a mocha in the Shrewsbury Cafe which must have been 95% caffeine. I am vibrating like a leaf on the edge of chaos so no deep & meaningful entry today. Off to Chester tonight to Teford's Warehouse for Doodleplanet with the help of superb children's illustrator Lizzie Hodgkinson (link to follow...)

Depth.

2011-10-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

I am getting truly bored of saying and writing how low and miserable I feel. I am truly fed up and bored with *feeling* this low. I am trying to help myself by emailing Liz and getting her to talk to me. I believe that if I can truly understand why this has happened it will help me to move on. The only way for that to happen is for Liz to tell me. But her emails are so shallow, badly constructed and riddled with self deception that I doubt she has any intention of doing anything to mitigate her behaviour. I am "going through it" as people tell you you have to do, and I am feeling like I am not going to make it to the other side. I am sure I will, but right now I am not sure I want to. The only thing keeping me from becoming totally lost in myself, or diving into a bottle, are the friends and acquaintances who are so supportive online and writing my thoughts down in this journal to my future self.

I am finding it impossible to work. I cannot focus to draw, study or think in a structured way. I have a huge icy boulder in my chest and i can feel freezing water dripping from it across my heart. When I am with people I can distract myself but any lull in the conversation leads me straight back to loss and grief and anger at Liz and my situation.

I am not sleeping or eating. On a lighter note I have lost about 17lb since Liz did this. Not too worried as I can spare a few more than that.

Still frantic about money but things may improve. I can only hope so!

P.

Bad Night Blues.

2011-10-24T00:03:00.001-07:00

Lived through a terrible night last night. The void inside me filled up with a carnival of demons old and new to jeer at me. Slept a little and got up feeling an utter failure. All poetic nonsense aside, if feelings are real then perhaps I am justified in feeling such an abject failure.

Missing Inaction.

2011-10-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have had enough of the endless, pointless dialogue which I keep running over and over in my own head. I always become angry or more and more hurt and it isn't even as if anyone else is even involved. It's a form of psychological self mutilation I can well do without.

I have been staying at my father's for a few days, seeing family and old friends, and the train journey back today was interminable, delayed by engineering works. I used the time to try and sort my thoughts and think of something positive I could do to take control of my life more positively.

It seemed (and seems) to me that by holding these long, painful conversations "with Lizzy" in my head I am internalising something which, truly, isn't mine. I own my own sadness and my anger and shame, but at the root of it I am in fact coming back to the same questions over and over again. Most of these questions start with "why." But the commonality of them is, of course, that there is no way for me to answer them. They are all questions I desperately need to ask her and have her answer for my own peace of mind, if not sanity. So, of course, asking nobody but myself over and over again helps nobody and actively harms only me.

As Liz has cut off all communication with me the only thing I can do I have done, which is to send her an email asking, fairly bluntly but, I hope, without being cruel the questions I so much need answers to. I hope she reads it, I hope she gives them some thought, and I hope she answers me. I hope more than anything that we can talk face to face, but a letter, phone call or email would do if that is all she can manage.

I don't know if it is the sending of the email or the time spent ordering my thoughts, but I have found a modicum of peace for the first time since my life fell apart one month and three days ago.

When I got home I found a hand written letter, undated or addressed, in which Liz has said she will not insist I sell our house unless "at some point in the future you have the money [to buy her out], you have a relationship with someone you care for and allow them to move in or you choose to sell the house." Fat lot of chance I have of ever finding someone to move in with me. As she pointed out, I am a washed out disabled middle aged man with nothing to offer a normal woman and with the prospect of further disability hanging over my head. In a letter which is written in a stilted, unemotional voice and handwriting which is jerky and erratic she has effectively given away tens of thousands of pounds of equity. Once again I am more concerned for my friend than for myself. Mind you, Lizzy hasn't exactly been honest or consistent in any of her dealings with me for some months, so I don't know how much weight to put on this letter even now.

This evening, and it is always the night time which is the worst for me, I have found myself listing the things which we will not do together. We won't be going to the cinema any more to see the Hobbit or Anonymous or the films we loved to share. We won't talk about the books we have read, or the people we have met during the day. We won't go to historic houses or castles together. We won't ever look at the moon together and share the moment of pure joy at being alive and in each other's company. We won't share the silent communion which only comes from spending decades together, knowing each other's thoughts without speaking or even exchanging a glance. And personally speaking, I will never again know the pride and confidence of being beside someone in whom I have absolute, unquestioning trust and unconditional love.

Phill

PS. Over the last month, several hundred people have been regularly reading this sad story. I have no idea who you are as no one has left any comments despite my asking. Why are you reading this? Entertainment? Does it help somehow? Do you know me, or Liz? I am changing the comments system so I will have to approve them before they go on the blog. Please leave a comment, and i will not put it on the blog if you ask me not to. _P_

Sleeping with the goblin.

2011-10-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have taken a few days away to come see my family, especially a new addition by the name of Ryan who is only a few days old. I am sat in bed in my old bedroom in my fathers house. It is strange to be here. So long since it was my space there isn't even a ghost of it's old security.

I went to see an old old friend today, and I shall be seeing two more tomorrow. This is the first part of a planned journey to meet with and personally thank the people who have been so supportive of me online these last terrible weeks. Starting with my family who's unquestioning and unswerving loyalty and support dumbfounds me as much as it moves me.

Coming away from Shrewsbury and home has brought things into stark relief for me. I am being eaten up by anger about this whole situation. I can feel it siting in my chest and stomach digging claws deep into me that companionship and activity can distract but that silence and loneliness cause to grow and tear. I am angry at Liz, at the things she has done to me and to Cei and to Steve's family and her own friends. I am angry at what she is doing, that she has walked away from the responsibility for and to our marriage and is living in love land uncaring of the responsibilities she has cast aside. I am angry that I am forced to live in a limbo, unable to make a new life for myself in a house to which she holds the security and will not talk to me to reassure me in any way. The anger sits in my chest like a vile goblin, causing pointless hurt and dripping with spite and malice which is not mine and is not wanted. But behind the anger is a worse thing. Much worse. Behind the anger is despair. Is the feeling that all the good has gone from my life. That I am no longer worth the effort. That lizzy was right and that my being disabled does make me worth less than another man. That she never felt more for me than comfortable contempt. That it was all a lie. That my past being rendered pointless, my future is doubly so.

I know there is a butchers bill to be paid for all this stress. I know, can feel, multiple sclerosis will demand its tribute in pain and sickness. I know that when it happens I will be alone. There have been nights in the past when it would have been so easy to give in and let go. To let the fluid build in my lungs and the air that hurts like breathing chilli pepper fade. In those nights I held on to my love and to lizzy and it brought me through but she will no longer be there because, as she said in one of her emails, "its hard to be needed." And I am dreadfully afraid of the next time that the dark calls like that.

I have found that my only human contact has been (and still is during the long dark) the internet and, particularly, Facebook. I have found friends I did not know I had or thought had forgotten I ever existed. I want to thank them all, over and over again, for being there for me. For pointing out that my anger is for Lizzy and that as she is not here I should let it go too. That i am holding onto and nurturing my pain in my grief and anger. You are right, of course you are. I know that the too shall pass and that one day i will live and maybe love again. And I know, too that I am hurting myself unnecessarily by allowing the goblin to eat at me. But, and it is a big but right now, I have allowed myself to define myself as lizzy's husband and friend for two decades. I have dedicated myself to nurturing and preserving and cherishing that wonderful, terrible, arrogant, foolish beautiful woman for every moment of that time. And now like a factory worker i have been cast aside for something shiny and new and quite possibly fictional. I am bereft and i am confused and i am lonely and untouchable. I have no real self esteem. There is nothing about me that she has not made questionable and contemptible. She has broken me and she has raped me of all that was good and cherished.

Behind the goblin sits despair and they have not finished with me yet.

The Insanity of Hope.

2011-10-20T01:37:00.001-07:00

"If" is the word which, as Sven Hassel once said, drives people mad. Without the word if there could be no unreasonable speculation in the face of reality which even when it is being kind is equally merciless.

If I could just say the right words that would remind her of her feelings for me (if indeed she ever had any.) If she were to realise her terrible mistake. If she would just talk to me. If she would only come home to where love truly is. If only I could anaesthetise this pain and disconnection and feel human again. If I could only take my son's pain and her cruel selfishness away so that at least that could be salvaged from this mess. If.

Yesterday was a vile day. Went into college and felt like a liar because I was pretendng to feel as I talked to friends and tutors. I feel trapped and hollow and isolated, completely unable to connect to anyone. At home I hang onto Facebook like a junkie waiting for the next spoonful of comfort from friends who, I hope, will never know how needy I am. I have been truly overwhelmed by the words of comfort and support I have received, often from people I hardly know if I know them at all. I want to travel the world and bring them all flowers because text will never convey my gratitude.

I am increasingly worried about money. I have until 28/10 to secure the funding for the MA course, and I have no savings should there be a crisis at home. All my monthly income goes on maintaining the house (my son buys food) and travel to and from college. The house itself is an issue as, Liz owning half of it, I am a prisoner to her next wild whim. Even if she had bothered to reply to my letter it occurs to me that I couldn't trust her word now. I guess I will have to get used to it.

I saw a balloon flying overhead this morning and I wondered if the trip she took with Steve in one was when she decided to transfer her affections.

If.

Nobody said anything at all.

2011-10-19T13:54:00.001-07:00

Nobody said this would be easy, but nobody said this was going to happen at all. Liz hasn't responded to yesterday's , which doesn't really surprise me, but it leaves me no closer to understanding why this happened. The how of it is easy enough. I feel pretty hopeless today. After 22 years she is still the first and
last thought of the day, but now I can't share them with her. Yes, pretty bloody hopeless.

This should have been posted but sat on my phone all day. Liz texted Cei about not saying goodbye on monday so she may have read my mail. Generally, though, things have not improved.

At Uni I did achieve my goals in the print room and wrote out my first learning contract. I even managed to front it through a couple of conversations, but I have felt like a hollow fraud all day.

Going to Northampton tomorrow to see my family and meet my new great nephew. I am also meeting some old friends who have been very supportive through Facebook (currently my main source of social interaction.)

An Open Letter to April Elizabeth Evans

2011-10-18T03:13:00.000-07:00

Open letter to April Elizabeth Evans (known to her friend as Liz.)

Walking for Health Coordinator

Shire Hall,

Shrewsbury.

Shropshire.

Dear Liz,

I am putting this letter on my journal but as I very much doubt you read it I will email it to you and post a hard copy to your office. I doubt you have given me a thought since you left the last time, what with you being so in love with Steve. However I felt it was important to write to you now that a few weeks have gone by.

In case you have forgotten, I am Phill and we were married for twenty years. Remember me now? We have a son together called Cei. You probably remember him as you saw him yesterday in the cefe where he works? He had been dreading your having a meeting there, not knowing how he would react to seeing you again. The pain in his voice when he told me you had left without even saying goodbye was palpable. Does your relationship with him mean so little that you wont even make the effort to overcome his anger and hurt at your behaviour? I think you need to try a little harder there.

As for me, well given that until the 19th September you had given me no clue that our marriage even had issues, let alone that on the 20th you would end it, and that for three weeks after that you would behave so cruelly and, it seemed at the time, irrationally, then I think I am doing OK. I still have moments when I just simply dont believe that the woman I have loved unconditionally for twenty two years could have behaved in such a cowardly and deceitful way, but that is easily recognised as a delusion (you did) and moved past. Of course that doesn’t deal with the hurt and grief but I suppose that is just a matter of time.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you what your intentions are regarding the house I am living in. Cei told me you are talking about getting a place in Whittington. Which is ironic, given you pressured me into selling the house I loved near there, and the supportive network of friends I had, and moving to this place in Shrewsbury which YOU loved and I know no one at all. Not to mention that I had to give away most of my personal belongings to fit into this much smaller place to accomodate your dreams and ambitions. Not that I minded too much at the time, but it is rather ironic in retrospect, isn’t it?

Of course you own half of this property that I’m living in with Cei and Chloe and Rianne (remember her? She used to be your dog. She has stopped waiting by the kitchen door for you to come home and has started eating and being her old self again.) I’m finding it rather hard not knowing what your intentions are. If Steve starts putting pressure on you to pay his debts, or if you get it into your head to buy somewhere with him then obviously it jeopardises our home so I think it is only fair to know what you are planning. I saw a solicitor and she said that it would take some time for the courts to decide on a sale (you would have to pay for that by the way) and of course it did take the people we bought it from ages to find a buyer, and the market is so low that we would both lose money if you sold now. I know that you did tell me (and Cei) in an email that you wouldn’t insist on a sale until Cei had left home, but given your recent dishonesty, faithlessness and inconsistency you will understand that I cannot take you at your word. Please let me know.

In other news, its becoming likely I wont be able to do my MA, purely on financial grounds. There is still a chance of some funding but I am preparing for the worst. Of course, if I had known in June that you had been telling Steve you loved him since at least April I might not have made such a disastrous financial and personal commitment.

I think I have begun to understand how cruel you have been to me since you declared it was all over, out of the blue, on the 20th September. I know your psychology after twenty two years after all. I know how once you have decided on a course of action you will go ahead with it full steam and damn the consequences. Remember painting the bathroom walls before the plastering was finished? Remember when you decided you were a lesbian because you had allowed a predatory woman to seduce you into bed? Or how you told a man you had met on the internet that you loved him and wanted to be with him? Of course you sent the email to me by mistake, but the principle is the same. So I know how once your mind is made up on a course of action how you will pursue it instantly and ruthlessly. I wonder how long it will take Steve to work that out.

But I didn’t realise you were so without conscience, so cowardly, that you could so knowingly abuse the trust I had placed in you. While you were choosing to fall in love with Steve, how hard did you work to avoid telling me? To avoid letting it slip that any love you might have had for me was fading? When did you realise you didn’t love me any more? Was it before or after April? How about all the times we fucked (not made love if the love isn’t mutual.) Was it after our twentieth wedding anniversary in September (two weeks before you left) when you told me I was your Sir Perceval (the hero fool, how appropriate), you rock and and shelter in a storm? Was it before or after we made plans to go travelling after Cei left home? I admit I had felt twinges of jealousy this summer. But not of Steve, after all I encouraged you and supported you in pursuing your passions with lots of people when I couldn’t go with you. I was glad you had found a friend, someone who you could share your days out with. It never occurred to me you would fall in love and move away like this. Again, I wonder if Steve knows how duplicitous you can be, and how well you can hide things even from someone who trusts you and knows you so well? I guess he will find out one day.

When you realised you were falling for Steve, why didn’t you talk to me? You must know I would never hurt you just to spare me pain. We could have worked through it and if you still had to go to Steve we could, maybe, have stayed friends, or at least have ended like adults. You wouldn’t have the memory of behaving more like your psychopath father than your father ever did and I wouldn’t be left with having endless pointless conversations with you in my head.

I know you wont ever come back to me Liz. You have never once truly admitted you were wrong in all our years together, not and really meant it. And you are too arrogant to ever apologise or admit we would have to start all over again. Its over, I get it. I am even coming to terms with the realisation that I will never understand quite why you felt you needed to fall in love with someone else (I am not so conceited that I cant see why you might fall out of love with me, even if I did do everything I could every day to prevent it.) I honestly doubt that you will even read this letter. But I told you I would do everything I could to defend my marriage and I reassure you now that I will do everything I can to defend my son, my home and myself. But this doesn’t (and never did) need to be the painful disaster you have made it.

Phill

Dreams and loss

2011-10-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

I dreamed about Liz last night, or rather as I woke up this morning. I feel the shock and pain of loss all over again. Not as deeply, but more so than during the last few days.

In my dream she was looking lovely in a summer dress and we were walking along a river bank on a warm summers day. We were talking, again about nothing in particular, just a continuation of our long rambling twenty two years conversation, when she slowly began to pull ahead of me. In a few minutes she was so far ahead I was having to shout for her to hear. Soon I lose sight of her over a roll of the land and I began to get frightened. I catch sight of her ahead and she is walking with someone else and they are talking together earnestly, I can't attract her attention. The walk faster and faster and I fal further and further behind until I lose sight of them. There is a fork in the river and I have to wade across to follow. The river s being used for a kayak race and the bank is full of young men cheering and shouting. As I wade across avoiding the fast moving boats I see there are two exits from the river, a long slow ramp and a steep set of wooden steps in a sheer gully. I walk through the water to the ramp but it is blocked by dozens of tired kayakers who sit there looking at me and making no signs of moving. I go to the steps and start up them in a stream of kayakers leaving the river. I am slow and the steps hurt and people begin to back up behind me. The man behind me has hurt his foot and wants to get past and he does this by climbing over me, putting his weight on my head and shouting at me to keep going up the stairs so he can get there faster. Eventually he rises over the side of the gully and is lifted away and i climb to the top of the stairs. In the distance I see Liz and her new partner fading away into the river haze.

I don't know why I felt so strongly that it was important to write the dream down straight away. Maybe my future me will be able to make sense of it. It seems like your average grief dream to me, that i am working through my sadness and anger at Liz's behaviour. The symbolism all seems pretty obvious. Oh well.

My niece had a baby this weekend, so i am off to Northampton on wednesday after college to see Ryan (sweet baby boy) and Naomi and Rob. Also, I want to say thank you in person to Dad and my brother and sister for all their telephone support over the last few weeks. I am also going to catch up with some old friends who have been so wonderful through Facebook and with whom I have been out of touch for far too long.

I had a bad day yesterday worrying about money. I am very worried that I will not be able to afford to pay for my tuition fees this year (£1700) and all the other expenses of the course. I have found a few leads, including a career development loan which would be a last resort as I can't sport any debt at the moment. I also ran into my old boss at Glyndwr and head of the Disability Support Team. She tells me she may be able to help which is good, but it means compromising a decision I made last year and I am not happy about that.

When I was doing my BA, particularly in my first year, I was quite badly affected by MS and was picked up (much against my will) by Jane's support team. It was, to a great extent, their support which allowed me to get through the three years and I felt at the end I owed them a huge debt of gratitude. After I graduated I signed up as a Learning Support Assistant and worked with several students over the next three years. Last year I decided not to submit any time sheets and effectively worked voluntarily. I chose to do this because the pleasure and fulfilment I was getting from the work (one day a week) and the debt I feel I owed to Jane and her team were, somehow, being cheapened by my taking the money for the job. I don't expect anyone to understand this, but i had been thinking about it for the previous two year and it was a decision made sanely and rationally. I didn't mention it to Jane at the time because I worried it might compromise her in some way (not sure how...) Anyway I did mention it to her when I came back as a student this year. She is now trying to get me some sort of back pay even though i have asked her not to. Although I feel it would compromise my ethical decision I am obviously in dire straits financially so I am conflicted :(

What a mess.

Phill

The theft that keeps on taking.

2011-10-17T00:43:00.001-07:00

An unfortunate knock-on effect of my wife's infidelity is that it is looking increasingly unlikely that I will be able to continue on the full time MA course at Glyndwr University. When I applied for a place I was assuming that I was in a stable, functional marriage and that the bursary application I made would cover the course fees. It seems I was wrong on both counts. Without my wifes second income to support us, and with all my income being taken by maintaining the house I do not have enough to pay for Uni. I would have to pay £1700 course fees, plus about £45 per week travel and all the expenses of an arts course (equipment, gallery visits etc.) I may be panicking unecessarily so I will look further into my options, but this is another way that Liz's sefish and deceitful behaviour is having unnecesary, damaging effects on my life. She was already telling steve she loved him and wanted to be with him, and had been for months, when I applied for the course. Needess to say had l been aware that my marriage was in trouble, let alone terminal, I would have been less willing to take on such a burden on my finances or my personal resources.

Dream Conversation.

2011-10-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was having a long, rambling conversation with Liz. It was nothing psychologically meaningful and I don't remember the content of the conversation. I just remember that it was similar to one of the thousands we had during our years together, about life and history and the day ahead of or behind us. But I woke up with a powerful sense of loss and sadness. I knew, with utter certainty, that I would never again enjoy such a time with her or such a degree of intimacy with anyone. Even if I were to meet a new life partner today and somehow overcome everything that has gone before I would never achieve such a level of empathy. I guess the was just another flourish on the trombone slider of grief.

Of course, empathy has it's limits. I didn't know my marriage even had issues until Liz declared it was over. She managed to deceive me for months as she prepared her new life with Steve. I don't think I will ever be prepared to offer another human being such unconditional trust as she had and so callously abused in such a cold and cowardly way. I still feel raped by her. She took away something precious to me and forced her own needs and wants on me without any consideration for the hurt it would cause to me, our son and even the dog she doted on. She did it in the cruelest and most inconsiderate way purely, I am convinced, so that she could get on with her new adventure as fast as possible. Like any rapist, I doubt she has given me a thought since she drove the last of her stuff away. She has certainly shown no interest in maintaining her relationship with her son (or dog.)

I am trying to discipline myself to better cope with this madness. I am no longer airing anything about my feelings on Facebook. As amazing as the people there have been, I have friends who are children who don't deserve that, so I am using this journal exclusively to write down my feelings. I am making efforts to meet people, both in "reality" and online. I am a social animal and this physical isolation is excruciating, loneliness is my worst enemy now. My son and I are getting on very well and his girlfriend is a complete charmer. I have asked her to consider this her home and have given her the key I got back from Liz. We are pulling together to keep the house as we want it and, despite my sons fantasies of replacing the living room furniture with gaming chairs and a 72" TV, we are managing very well. It's nice because it supports me and it gives them the chance to play house and practice life together in a safe environment. I swopped rooms (and beds) with them a few weeks ago and having the big room is definitely helping them. I feel much better being out if that room and in the smaller one, also I am quieter and much less likely to cause conflict with our neighbour!

On the MA Design Practice course I am picking up my first assignments which I am tying in with commercial work which is ongoing. I am currently doing a cover for local author Francis John Simcock's new book and I will be using the (nearly complete now) black line drawing as the basis for some colour experiments which should feed into John's finished piece. I am also enjoying the introduction to the concept of research in art (as opposed to collecting references) and am thinking that if i continue to enjoy it this much I might like to take it on to a Doctorate later.

Enough for today!

Phill

Resolutions.

2011-10-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

I spoke with my son this morning about life, the future and his passion for tropical fish. He's a good lad but he's conflicted. His mum has old him (by her chosen medium of text I assume) that she will be going into his place of work (a cafe) for a meeting on Monday afternoon. I don't know if this is because someone see organised the meeting or if Liz is being completely insensitive. Could be either. Anyway he doesn't know what to do, is worried how he will react in work when he sees her. Rage? Tears? Poor lad is in a quandary. I have said that whatever he does he should do it responsibly. Either tell his mum he doesn't want her to come, or talk to his line managers, explain the situation and take some time out of the cafe. Or, of course, he could let things proceed and deal with things as they happen. I am glad that at least he hasn't done what his first instinct was and cut her off completely. They have very similar characters (stubborn, impulsive, arrogant, spoiled) but they need each other despite everything that has happened recently.

Another day of being distracted but less so. I feel a gaping void when I think about Liz now. She has achieved her objective and destroyed any love I had for her. I can't think of her now without feeling pity, contempt, anger and disappointment. I have a strange relationship with dealing with guilt, I think. Once I have been hurt by someone I move on and leave them behind. I never go back to the place or the town it happens. Ever. The difference this time is that its me who has been left behind. However, the result is the same. I had twenty two years with Liz but now that is over and receding into life's rear view mirror. I no longer care what she is up to or what will happen to her. Frankly, and without wishing to be melodramatic, if she was found in a ditch with her throat cut and her arse raped tomorrow I doubt I could lose any more sleep for her. She has chosen her path and executed our love to achieve it in the most ruthless and cruel way simply to spare her the chore of ending the marriage like an adult. Well, mission accomplished.

Now, on with the rest of my pathetic life. I am really going to have to try not to be such a sucker, aren't I?

Phill

Home alone.

2011-10-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've spent the day at home today. I have a shedload of illustration and college work to do but I've been restless in body and mind all day and I've found it impossible to settle to draw. I'll have to work overtime tomorrow as I have a deadline for one image on Monday and it is a point of honour not to miss a deadline!

I spoke with Cei's girlfriend Chloe this morning before she left. She is a lovely young woman, very genuine and supportive of both of us. We talked about their plans now they have the master bedroom and pretty much the house to themselves. My status here is somewhere between lodger and elderly retainer... I've spoken to Cei to and the there of us plan to get together for a proper sit down meal once a week. This is mostly because Cei wants to cook and *I* want him to learn to wash up. I cautioned Chloe against picking up after him all the time, she says she won't. We made a plan to invite Chloe's mum over for a meal one weekend soon.

After Chloe had gone, and with Cei at work, it was me and the dog. I've been feeling the isolation a lot just recently and becoming dependent upon Facebook for human contact and support. I really need to start getting out and making friends soon or I will go insane.

Despite constant confrontation of myself I have found myself thinking about Liz a lot today and of how she has behaved. I am torn between being angry and sad. So many "ifs". f she had trusted me and spoken. If I hadn't insisted she stay away in the van. If she had spoken to any of her friends about this. If. If. If. Its the word "if" that drives people mad I am sure. Think about it. Pointless.

The darkest point of the day came when a van pulled up outside the house and for a fraction of a second I thought it was her. And I knew, knew with absolute certainty that I would not let her back in. That she had gone too far and had spoiled everything I felt for her. That for the first time I can remember I didn't love her or want to be with her. You can have no idea how awful that feeling was. Not just because it means she has successfully achieved what she seems to have set out to do, but because it undermines everything that is precious for me. I feel more alone and unwanted than i have ever felt. Just what I need.

Was up late last night because my niece is in hospital close to giving birth and was panicking because she was being left alone overnight. The Northampton General Hospital has draconian visitor rules for some reason. Anyway was providing remote support to her, her mum (my sister) and her partner. Think I might give going to on the town for a drink a miss tonight and go to bed early.

Phill

Responsibility.

2011-10-13T00:45:00.001-07:00

Personal responsibility is probably the closest thing i have to religion. I believe, without faith, that one is ultimately responsible for everything one thinks feels and does. This is based on personal experience and observation and whilst it can be a harsh philosophy,it allows me (most of the time) to distinguish what is *my* crap from what is *yours*. There is nothing you or indeed anyone can think, say or do which can elicit a response from me unless I choose to give it, at which point of course it becomes my responsibility. This philosophy allows me to at least retain some semblance of personal control in what is sometimes a seemingly out-of-control world.
As I have said in previous journal entries I am choosing to believe that I will not see Liz again, that her behaviour was so deliberately extreme (by her choice, of course) precisely to allow her a total separation from me and,unfortunately, her son. I doubt she would choose to come back even if she realised absolutely her mistake.
Which leaves me in a difficult place. How much responsibility do *I* hold for this situation? Friends argue nothing, which means I am an unwitting victim of malignance and spite. But I *must* hold some responsibility for this. Over the last ten months or so Liz chose to deceive me as she chose day by day to pursue Steve. What choices did *I* make which contributed to that? When I felt jealous of Liz spending so many days out with friends doing things I would have loved to be doing, why did I choose to do and say nothing? I believed then that it was because I would be inhibiting her, but what if it was because, as Liz seems to believe, I am lazy. I have always consciously tried to resist the sucking temptation of disability, but have I been as succesful as I thought? Liz doesn't see me as disabled so perhaps yes, but that still leaves me pathetically unable to do the high energy activities she loves for very long. Those are still the only "reasons" she has given me for deciding she doesnt love me any more, doesn't want to be with me and that the thought of being without Steve is so intolerable that she can disregard the consequences for two families.

I am convinced now that I will never know the real reasons Liz has done these terrible things. She will never tell me and it is useless to hypothesise. Of course that doesnt stop me from laying awake at night doing just that, or having long rambling conversations with my dog. It does mean, though, that I can dispense with anger (pointless and counter productive) or worse, hatred (even now I don't hate Liz, love her.) My philosophy allows, if I so choose and I do, to face the world as it is today rather than how I wanted it to be a few short weeks ago. I feel regret and shame for my part in the failure of what I truly believed and hoped and trusted was a lifetime partnership. But I am confident that if Liz had not been so deceitful, that even if I had lost her to Steve, we could have ended our relationship in a more adult and less damaging and risk filled way.

Today I am off to Wrexham for the next stage of my MA Design Practice. I will choose not to be like Coleridge's Ancient Mariner and only dwell on my misery.

Phill

Future tense.

2011-10-12T03:44:00.000-07:00

I walk the dog each morning and while walking I am, I suppose, composing my journal. At its best, this takes the form of an internal musing on my situation and recent (and distant) history, plans for the day, week or month and reflections on ongoing work challenges and so on. At it's worst, as it has been recently, it is a theoretical conversation between me and "someone else" in which I say things I would never say and hear things I know I will never hear. Such conversations are pointless because, of course, I am speaking to myself (or more accurately my emotions) in an unreal, completely useless way. I am not recognising that I am angry or hurt or sad or whatever, I am internalising my feelings which is nearly always bad in the long run. So anyway I have taken to having long, meandering conversations with the dog (and be damned to anyone who thinks I'm crazy, they are probably right.) Doing that allows me to keep the dialogue both healthy and open and to express my feelings without theorising what other people's responses will be. Poor Rianne (my dog) has proved to be a remarkably attentive listener. As long as I am walking, brushing, fussing or in other ways spoiling her. For all I have moaned about having a dog for the last eight years I am finally getting it and we have linked together somehow in a way I have never known before. She staves off loneliness and offers if not unconditional love (I am sure she thinks of me as her big food dispenser and poop scooper) then at least she is always up for physical contact which seems mutually beneficial and has certainly got me through some bad times recently. I never thought that Liz's abandoning of Rianne here was anything but another facet of her cruel and cold behaviour, but I live in fear of her trying to take her away because I can see how much Rianne misses her. The poor dog has spent hours at the kitchen door watching for Liz to come home. I am really conflicted about what to do if Liz wants to take her away.

A more important issue is my son. He's 19 and has just got his first job and although he is being very obviously "manning up" and has been wonderfully supportive in his own, clumsy way he is in agony. His mum sends him infrequent texts but as far as I know has made no real effort to contact him. She didn't text him at all over the weekend "because she had no credit" which is frankly a child's excuse. I spoke to him on Monday evening and he was thinking about cutting her off completely. He has been thinking not just about this recent craziness (which he sees as selfish beyond belief) and it's effects on me (I try not to inflict it on him, but we live here together) and his relationship with his mother. I know there has always been friction between them, they are very similar in many ways, and that I have taken the role of mediator and peace keeper. But I wasn't aware of how isolated he has felt from her over recent years. *I* saw Liz worrying about Cei, about his lack of work ethic or ambition or purpose since he left school but *he* feels she has pushed him away, been deliberately hostile and neglectful, that she never expresses any affection for him or makes any effort to reach him. We talked for quite a long time and I think I have persuaded him not to cut his mother off completely. I sincerely hope so. It would add a layer of unnecessary disaster to this already unnecessary layer cake of deceit and cruelty. I still miss my own mother, even after a quarter of a century, every day even though she could be every bit as obtuse and awkward as Liz. My mum is dead and beyond contact or reconciliation but Liz isn't, for him at least. He told me today that he wouldn't cut her off which has relieved me no end. He doesn't deserve that (nor do his future children) however much he might think she does.

As I am sure I have said before on this journal I am becoming resigned to never seeing Lizzy again or to finding out why it is that she stopped loving me and embarked on this disastrous sub-plot from "Gavin and Stacey." Knowing Liz as I do I doubt she would come back now even if she realised she had made a mistake tomorrow. She is far too arrogant, she has never really admitted to being wrong in all the years I have known her (that was always my job.) I think now I have had a chance to let my head clear a little that she has behaved so cruelly, so out of character to place herself in the right. I believe she denied herself a physical relationship with Steve before this (if in fact she did, hard to know with all the deceit but I think she was at least consistent about that) not because she didn't want to fuck him but because if she did she couldn't avoid acknowledging she is in the wrong with regard to our marriage. That the reason for he being so callous and hateful, along with the whining "I am so awful, you dont deserve someone as horrible as me" texts and emails was a way to manipulate me into hating her so that she could leave me "knowing" she was doing the right thing. But I dont hate her, not even a bit. I love the silly woman and that cant stop overnight or in four weeks (its not quite four weeks since this all began) just because she is behaving like a tit. I *am* becoming more ambivalent about her returning the more I think about the months of deceit and self denial in which she must have been in agony and I was living in blissful ignorance. I believe completely that I love and respect Liz enough to have overcome my sadness and pain if she was truly in love with Steve to let her go. I would never hurt her, or anyone, to avoid pain myself. It hurts to think that we might have been able to remain friends (the most important part of our relationship for me) or at the very least have ended our relationship like adults and peers.

But as it is I doubt I will ever know, which is hard to come to terms with as for me true understanding of something is the best and probably only way to move beyond it. I doubt Liz reads this blog, although Steve might as he sounds like the sort of chap who needs to know what others think of him even if only to deny and rage at it. In truth I doubt Liz has given me much of a thought since she left. There is only room for lurve in her head right now. Frankly I am not bothered if they do, its not as if they dont know where I am if they want to talk to me. They have embarked on their great adventure together and whether it ends in a train wreck (as I suspect but don't hope) or a love for the ages as solid as the one I had proved to be fragile, it is not a journey I will be in or even involved with. Perhaps fortunately!

Given Lizzy's erratic, cruel and deceitful behaviour I have no faith in her promises not to demand I sell this house. Steve is apparently in a lot of debt (or at least thinks he is) and his wife has young children so no court will insist she sells her home which will no doubt test his already precarious resources. Lizzy has no financial obligations that I am aware of (all debts were in my name and cleared when I got M.S) so she has a lot of disposable income. If he puts pressure on her to realise her money from this house then we would, eventually, be forced to sell. Even if that took months or years to go through the courts (and no doubt hundreds of pounds) it could still take years to sell this place. But even so it still leaves Cei and I waiting for the blade to fall. Sometimes you just have to wait. There is nothing I can do to influence Liz any more and I no longer trust her to be honest or even rational, so I have no idea what she will do. And wont until she does it, so I will stop speculating on here and try to stop myself going over and over it at night and punishing myself for having failed so abjectly as a husband that I didn't notice that my wife was falling in love with another man and had stopped loving me.

Phill

Loneliness and the long distance student.

2011-10-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm finding the main problem today is a sense of almost crushing loneliness. I was very fortunate that a friend joined me on the MA today who is incredibly supportive and understanding. But despite this I feel cut off from everyone, still feel like I am looking through a glass wall which stifles any sense of empathy or human contact. It's horrible. I still can feel this huge icy stone in my chest which is weighing me down all the time and my thoughts seem dragged toward meandering, hypothetical conversations with Liz which will never happen and are worse than useless to me.

Being at Uni has helped though. An interesting lecture engaged me this morning and even the shambolic session this afternoon was fun, especially as I got to chat with my friend about things other than marital break up, infidelity and emotional pain. I was especially pleased that I got to speak with the fine arts tutor for a long session and to plan my first weeks work, which ties neatly in with an ongoing commission that I have been putting off this last few weeks for obvious reasons.

I am almost phobic about using colour in my work. In fact I an a B&W artist who, if pressed, colours his work in rather than a fully rounded illustrator who works with colour like a sensible adult. I have set my set the task of challenging this reluctance and and am writing it into my first learning contract of the MA. This week I will, as normal, develop the cover image for John Simcock's new novel. I will produce a colour version in my normal way and then submit it for critique. At the same time the line image will be transferred onto a screen print and then next Wednesday I will experiment with a colour explosion in the print room.

When I got home this evening I had a painful talk with my son. I am working to secure our accommodation here. Liz has said in an email that she wouldn't ask us to leave, but frankly I don't believe her. Given her recent history of deceit, her out of character behaviour and the cruel and arbitrary way she has behaved toward us I think it only right I do so. I am also aware that she is now with a man apparently way into debt and vulnerable to being pressured. Cei said that despite her texting him her new phone number she hasn't been in touch with him for several days. He is so angry, it is heartbreaking. He tells me he is thinking of contacting her and cutting her off completely, that he has no further use for her after the way she has behaved. I have begged him to think again, I believe that no matter how he feels now he will regret it if he alienates himself from her. I have asked him, for his own sake, at the very least to speak to her and not just text. I am so worried that if he falls into the trap of being as cowardly as she has been that he will have a very long time to regret it. I have told him he should man up if he is going to do something like that and do it face to face. I miss my own mothers wisdom even after all these years and I would hate to see him deny himself access to Liz (nominal though it is now.)

This whole crazy situation is making me feel like I am falling apart. Still, hopefully tomorrow will help secure things.

Phill

The Trombone Slider of Grief.

2011-10-09T03:49:00.001-07:00

When I was a psychiatric nurse student I was taught about the Cycle of Grief model which was developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. These are, basically:

Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

I remember them as being taught as a linear progression but I am finding that I am not travelling in a straight line through these rather trite sounding stages. I am, in fact, sliding up and down them like a trombonists hand.

The shock stage I can definitely see. When Liz told me it was all over between us I had no idea it was coming, I thought of myself as being in a secure, loving, mutually supporting trust relationship. I remember that for three or four days I was physically cold, pale and couldn't eat or drink. It felt exactly as if I had been in a car wreck.

Denial is something that comes easy in grief and is to my mind the most dangerous to become stuck at. Denial of reality is delusion but we humans are very very good at it. For three weeks after Lizzy began this whole bizarre process (at least as far as *I* was concerned) I felt I was working so hard to save my marriage, to help her see what a terrible mistake she was making. Even though I now accept that she has done the worst thing in the worst way I have moments when it is quite literally impossible for me to believe that the woman I have known and, genuinely utterly and absolutely, loved for twenty two years can have done something so utterly horrible.

Anger. Oh yeah I know about anger. I am livid at the way she has deceived and betrayed me. I harbour noxious (and fortunately fleeting) fantasies of revenge. I spotted a van this morning with a canoe on it and found myself pondering whether, if I ever saw her van again, whether I really *would* smash every pane of glass in it so that her wretched adolescent love could keep her warm. As I teased the fantasy like a child teasing a loose tooth I am *almost* certain that I wouldn't. But only almost.

Bargaining comes with denial and anger. When Liz was still deigning to talk to me (by text and email mostly, she has proved too much of a coward to do much actual face time with me or her son) I was trying desperately to convince her that what she was doing would be the worst possible thing for her. I felt that (bargained with myself, she clearly wasn't listening) if I gave her enough space and time that she would come back to me and we could rebuild our relationship. This was clearly a devils bargain. She moved Steve straight out of his home and into her van. So much for bargaining.

Depression is as much a physical response to emotion as it is psychological. I don’t eat much or drink regularly, everything literally tastes of ashes. I get early morning waking and the shifting of mood over the day (called diurnal variation and another common symptom of low mood) but none of the derealisation or depersonalisation which comes with it in its extreme, clinical form (that's feeling as if you are watching the world and not in it and looking at your, for instance, hand and experiencing it as someone else’s.) I feel a great cold, icy boulder sitting in my chest which forces itself into my consciousness all the time, weighing me down and so painful it is hard to breath.

Testing is when you start to poke the wound and measure it against the world. For me it is writing this blog and talking to people. Anybody. I feel like Coleridge’s Ancient Mariner grabbing innocent victims and laying my sorry story on them. Talking to friends (on the phone, as said earlier Liz moved me miles from anybody I know before she sprang this on me) helps incredibly. I find I can step away from my grief and comprehend what’s going on, to an extent. I can see, when I am talking to a trusted friend, what is real and what fantasy more clearly.

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. Knowing absolutely what is real and absorbing that new reality into your whole life and being. A state much to be desired but, I suspect unattainable without the passing of so much time that it makes me fearful to think of it right now. Personally, I have always found that no matter how terrible the tragedy (the death of my mother, for instance) I can reach acceptance much more readily if I can understand the causes and precursors and process of the tragedy. Mum was ill for a long time and I had spoken and been with her through a lot of her journey so when she finally died and left us I was almost shocked at how quickly I grieved and came to peace with things. This time though I am having to come to terms with a hard fact. I almost certainly will never know why Lizzy has felt the need to choose to pursue Steve, to destroy two families and four children in the name of “love.” I know now my relationship with her is over. Knowing her as well as I do I do not believe, tragic as it is, that she will ever come back to me. She is far too arrogant and cold to ever truly admit being in the wrong and I doubt she could ever forgive me for talking so openly about this, both here and in the real world. I still believe that she is making a terrible mistake for herself and Steve. That Steve is not who or what she thinks he is and that they are both in love with a delusion. I believe that she will soon find things untenable with him and that, when his mood lifts and he realises what a pair of tits they have been he may well flee back to his wife and children. But even if that were too happen and Liz found herself alone and in full knowledge of how she has behaved I still don’t believe she will come back to me unless it is to try and relieve of my home.

It may be impossible to believe seven impossible things before breakfast but it is certainly possible for all of the “stages” of grief to be equally true at exactly the same time. I know this, because despite her cruel and despicable behaviour and her cowardly management of this whole deceitful affair I also know I am still in love with her, I would still take her back at the drop of a hat and I still fear for her physical and psychological safety. It may be that this is simply that love, like anything, becomes a habit. After two decades together it may be that I just need time to leave her behind as she has left me behind. And thats why I am keeping my journal. Future me, what happens next? How long does it take before an hour or a day will pass before I cripple myself by thinking of her? Will I ever speak to her again? Do I ever get to understand why she is doing this?

Do leave me a message if you can, future me. It would be most helpful to this poor sad shell today.

Phill

Movin' On.

2011-10-08T01:34:00.001-07:00

I am resigned, most of the time, to never seeing Liz again. I struggle to stop myself thinking about her, where and how she is. I resist, more or less succesfuly, the need to rehearse conversations with her, "saying" things I would never say and "hearing" things she will say to me.

But for me the hardest thing of all this hardest time is my inability to understand why this has happened. What was missing from our reltionship that Liz found in Steve? Why does she feel so cut off from me that she still cannot, maybe (probably) never will, speak to me? What have I done, or not done, that has been part of bringing this about? Why has she changed so much that I hardly recognise the intelligent, controlled woman I have loved for two decades in the deceitful, cruel sociopath I have seen in the last few weeks?

I am having to face a fearful underlying truth and it is tearing me apart. That I may and almost certainly will never know the answer to any of these questions. That I must simply continue to live in confused ignorance until time and grief make them fade into irrelevance. This truth is still too raw to face fully. It leaves me breathless with pain and incandescent with impotent anger.

Spent the night with friends and the evening at a lantern workshop. I felt in equal parts supported and judged by the good, kind people around me. I am very aware these are all her friends too and take great pains not to ask them too choose between us or to intercede on my behalf. I have no right and they would be rightly horrified if I did.

Being among people was the right thing to do, but I feel raw and broken and need to flee back to my hole this morning.

Phill

A Single Man.

2011-10-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

Today I feel I am beginning a new life as a single man. It is not a life I have chosen or worked for. I am in a house I didnt choose, in a town I barely know, with no immediately available adult friends (I dont include you internet, sorry, however supportive you are I can’t hold you at night.) I am bereft and guilt ridden and angry and hurt and as in love with her ass I have ever been but with no hope of seeing her again. I am constantly aware that this is such a hackneyed story that it must bore the pants off the poor unfortunates I do talk to like the Ancient Mariner when I go to Glyndwr University or speak to friends on the phone.
Four weeks ago she gave me a twentieth anniversary card which was beautiful, she wrote how I was her Sir Perceval, her rock and anchor in a storm. Three weeks ago I got a message from a stranger telling me she was having an affair. The next day she told me she it was over between us, but gave me reason for hope. A week later she emailed me (!) to tell me she wanted to be with another man. I didnt give up and tried to keep a door open for her as I felt she was making a mistake. Two days ago she told me (by email again) she doesnt love me any more and that she wants to be with him because it makes her happy, definitively and absolutely ending twenty two years together.
So my fifty year old wife and her fifty year old boyfriend are living together, as far as I know, in a van with a bed in it. His wife has described someone who is vulnerable and fragile and more like Jim Royal than the Bear Grills that my wife describes. It seems they are both in love with something, although whether it is the same thing or if it even exists I am sure they will find out together.
In the last two weeks I may have made mistakes, but I truly believe that I have done everything a man can do to nurture and protect his wife and marriage. I am left tortured by the knowledge that she needed something so desperately and yet either kept it from me or I was blind to it. I have agonised over the last six months in my memory and with people I know about how dense I could have been not to see my wife falling in love with another man in front of me. I have hurt, and continue to hurt myself, over her deceit and my own stupidity.
But I recognise now that my relationship with her is over. There is nothing more I can do to support her. There is nothing more, perhaps, that I *should* do to support her. I still believe with all my heart that she is making a terrible mistake for herself, that beyond breaking up two marriages and hurting four children she is opening up herself to a cruel disappointment and maybe worse. If he can threaten to kill himself if his wife were to phone me, what is he capable off if his mood deteriorates and my wife tries to contact me about something, or does something he feels is against his interests? Although she has said this is all for love, I wonder what will happen when she realises the man she is with is more limited than even me? When she realises that although she has left behind any financial demands with me that she has a man hugely in debt with an only tenuous grip on a job from which he has been off sick with anxiety and depression for months and which may not even be there when he goes back? How will he feel if he forces his wife and children to leave their home simply to clear his debts?
Love is a delusion (I should know!) but delusions respond to time and life. I am writing this down now as a sort of memory and conversation, with my future self as well as with anyone who reads this. I have to leave the fear for her behind, or at least compartmentalise it within me, in order to reclaim some kind of life for myself. I am 45 years old, somewhat disabled and unfit but I am otherwise healthy. I have multiple sclerosis and I know it will be affected by this, but my main reason for fighting off relapse or illness has abandoned me in the cruellest way. She has been the only reason I have made the effort to survive it before, I need to find new reasons now. I wonder what they will be?
There are more things which have come out of this whole sorry mess which are positive. Not hugely so, but positive nonetheless.
I have spent my life afraid of being afraid. I avoid airports because I am afraid of flying. I avoid sea journeys because the disorientation of a moving boat causes intense disorientation and panic. I have avoided banks and authority figures because they intimidate me and call to my secret self loathing. But all this minor, petty, *silly* fear has burned away in the face of the real, important fear I have faced and am facing now. I no longer feel bound by them. I am thinking of going to New York in May for the launch of the book I have recently illustrated. North Wales School of Art & Design have links with Poland and it would be good to go there in the Spring for an arts conference. I feel that whilst at the same time being trapped I have some way been set free.
I have to go now. Going to meet a friend about a Gallery in Brunei and then to help at the Welshampton Festival of fire.
Please leave a comment if you read this and have anything to say.
Phill

Who are you?

2011-10-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing. For three or four years now I have been keeping this journal and reflecting, mostly, about my work as an illustrator and the slow development of my skills and experience in that field. Over that time I have gathered seven watcher from the Blogspot community (hi guys!) and have about four or five hits per day. I assume that those are all search engine spiders updating their cache. I have had one or two comments but even using Stumbleupon doesnt seem to increase the hit rate. Not that it bothers me or I am counting! But I have noticed, through the magic of the new Blogspot dashboard, that my hit rate has SOARED this last fortnight. Yesterday I had THREE HUNDRED PEOPLE read my ongoing struggles with a disappearing wife. Today it looks like the same number. You come from all over the world, from Europe and the Americas, from the near middle and far East, everywhere!

So tell me, who are you? What bought you here? Has reading my journal helped you in some way? Been entertaining? Please leave a comment and let me, let all of us, know.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Phill

Ex.

2011-10-06T00:45:00.001-07:00

Well, none of my efforts has saved either marriage. I am now an ex-husband in all but name. Liz sent me an email (again, am I really that fearsome?) telling me I shouldn't care for her, that she didn't love me any more and that I need to know this in order to begin to heal.

Nice.

Of course, it transpires she has been sending gushy "I love you! I want to be with you!" texts to steve since at least April, so I am left wondering how many times I have fucked (making love seems the wrong phrase in retrospect) someone who didn't want to be there.

I also can't help but wonder if, had she not been so deceitful, whether she could have saved all parties a lot of grief and we could all be that much further on our merry journies through life. Never mind. That is yet more pointless speculation.

So. I have marked her emails as spam. I have blocked her mobile phone (which is only fair, I'm paying for it,) and asked her in future not to come to the house and only to contact me by land line or snail mail. I have moved her belongings onto the street outside and asked her to remove it today. I have let her close friends know so perhaps they will overlook her cutting themoff about this and offer her support.

As much as anything about this whole terrible disaster can be funny, I find it amusing that Lizzy has chosen to leave me for an overweight, washed up, burned out psychiatric nurse. So at leat her taste in men hasn't changed! However, I never lied to her and as far as I can make out, this guy is nothing like the man she thinks he is.

I wish her a long and healthy life. And I hope that every lonely day after she realises what a loser she is she remembers what she lost today.

Now, I have to concentrate on staying healthy, for myself and my sons. I have to do what she says and stop being frantic about her. I have to reinvent myself at the same time as defending myself. So I am off to Uni as if the world hadn't ended. I'm thinking I might go to New York in May for the book launch.
Further bulletins as events warrant.

Phill

Hello Steve.

2011-10-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

It seems the man Lizzy has left me for has been reading my blog entries. I have spoken to his wife today and she says he reports them as malicious and that I am being deliberately hurtful to him and to Liz. He also seems to think I am liaising with "someone" who knows him and who is providing me with information about him. So I thought I would clear this all up in an open letter.

To Steve.

Hello Steve,

After I spoke to your wife today (she rang me, right number this time) I felt it was important to talk directly to you. I was hurt that you felt I was being malicious so I read through the last two weeks postings to make sure I hadn't got carried away and said something I might regret. I have to say that I still stand by every word. I am hurt and confused and feel my world has fallen apart. I am in a strange town with no friends nearby and I need to air my thoughts or I will go crazy. I'm sorry if you are upset by them, but you chose to read them as you are choosing to live in a van with my wife.

Your wife is a nice lady. She has impressed me as being honest and genuinely cares for you. She understands you have been totally stressed out for a long time about work and money and that you are very low. She loves you and wants you to go back to her (I asked her.) She told me you have been a bit confused about how things have been for me and Lizzy and that you maybe even think I am getting information about you from someone. I wanted to reassure that this wasn't true. I have spoken to your wife twice (yesterday and today) and I received one rather desperate message from your sister-in-law on the 19th of October. That's all. Beyond that I am afraid I don't even know your surname.

Another thing she told me is that after your sister-in-law messaged me on Facebook that you believed I had thrown Lizzy out of the house. That is not true. I was hurt and shocked and in pain but I could never do that to the woman I have spent twenty two years loving. Unlike your wife I had no advanced knowledge of this. I knew Lizzy was sad about something but I also believed and trusted she would tell me about it when she was ready. Your wife has had since April to live with this, I have had two weeks. I now believe you have been choosing to develop a relationship together since, probably, January. I don't know why Lizzy needed to do that, which is a large part of why I am continuing to try to talk to her. If I can understand something, no matter how terrible for me, I can deal with it. I feel I have failed her as a husband and I want to make sure that I fully understand my failure.

Lizzy's behaviour this last two weeks has been so out of character that I at one point felt that she was maybe mentally ill. I can see now that it is the culmination of a long journey for her. One she chose not to take with me. But you know about how behaviour can change dont you Steve? Your wife has told me how yours has changed this last two years, because of money worries and the stress of work. How you have become labile, veering from catatonic stress fugue to violently angry and aggressive toward your wife and children (remember head butting your son? I'm sure he does.) Since she read Lizzy's emails to you in April it sounds like she has been working hard to keep you at home. Did you tell Lizzy that you had chosen to stay with your wife? Why did you tell your wife Lizzy was prepared to keep seeing you even if you stayed with her? Lizzy says she never said anything of the sort. Does Lizzy know that you threatened to kill yourself, to "end it all" if your wife ever phoned her? That you have holidays booked already for next year with your family? Does your daughter know where you are today or what your plans are? It sounds like she is in agony about all this.

Steve, I dont want you to think that a word of this is malicious or snide or wantonly cruel. I promise you, as one good man to another, that this is not my intention. I care deeply for my wife, deeper than you can know, but I wouldnt hurt you or her or anyone to save me pain. I am writing this letter to you so that I can be sure that I have done everything I can to help the pair of you avoid making the terrible mistake that I can see you are.

I truly dont know why Lizzy has fallen for you Steve, you must be a very good guy because she is a fussy woman! I truly dont know why this has happened. But I do know that you and she both have loving partners who want you to come back to your respective homes. That you have children who may be hurt and angry but who care about you deeply. That you havent burned your bridges entirely. Please do think about this before the two of you commit to something which will destroy you both when your heads clear. Whatever has pushed you both to this, you have lovers and partners who want to help bring you home.

Yours most sincerely,

Phill

Reasons not to be cheerful.

2011-10-05T06:24:00.000-07:00

Rianne.

2011-10-05T01:41:00.001-07:00

Posting a dog picture. How sad is that?

Fortnight.

2011-10-05T00:26:00.000-07:00

7am and about to take the poor, long suffering mutt for a walk. She broke house rules last night and jumped on the bed with me. I couldn’t get angry. I’m not a natural dog person, it has taken me eight years to appreciate her properly, but even I could see she needed a hug as much as I did. Challenge accepted, hugs achieved.
Woke up this morning thinking about her and her situation.
Yesterday I had a strange brainwave and telephoned her new man’s ex-wife. I don’t know why, but I had a sudden conviction whilst I was out walking the dog that it was the right thing to do. We (the dog and I) walked home talking it over and when I got back it still felt right although I have no idea why that might be.
K (I will call her K) was surprised but not angry or upset by my call. She was at work but on her break so was able to talk. I was at pains to say that I would understand if she didn't want to talk to me, that I didn't want to make things worse. She sounded like me, tired, confused, sad.
So my wife has told me that she has been agonising about her feelings for him for months but there had been nothing physical. That he has been splitting up with his wife but it is nothing to do with her. That she loves him (only admitted when I pressed, possibly to spare my feelings) but when I ask why all she tells me is it because he likes to do outdoor activities and he can drive.
K tells me that the man she married is a casually spendthrift, “humanitarian,” loving, couch potato and family man (he has three children, sons aged 14 and 18 and a girl aged 9.) She says he has repeatedly refused offers of canoeing holidays and ridicules the idea of hiking, he’s never been into it. But that for a couple of years now he has been suffering from increased work stress and was recently diagnosed with depression and is being treated with an antidepressant, the course of which began only a week before this whole episode blew up (from my perspective, as I found I was as always the last to know about any of this…) He has also become focussed in financial worries (not sure if they are real or imagined) and has threatened suicide and self harm over the summer.
K intercepted some text messages from L in April of this year saying how much she loved S and how much she wanted to be with him. K confronted S and he agreed to stop seeing L, that they weren’t having a physical relationship but were very simpatico emotionally. He said that he would never move away from his children. Since then his mood has deteriorated, he has become increasingly labile (spending whole days on the couch silent followed by angry periods of shouting and anger) and she described him as “menacing” to her and the children. She also said that S had told her that Liz had said she would be happy to keep seeing him even if he stayed with her, that she would, in effect, have an affair.
Two weeks ago, K’s sister sent me a message on Facebook telling me Liz was having an affair with S. I asked L and she denied it, but afterward she must have texted S who apparently went ballistic and stormed out, leaving his children alone overnight (K was working.) Since then he has, apparently, been staying with L in her van. He has refused to talk to K except to demand she sell her family home and give him half the money. He hasn't expressed any interest in where K and the children might go.
I don’t honestly know what I was expecting when I rang K. I was unsure, even after the call, even now, if it was a good or bad thing I was doing and have done.
I was hurt deeply that L was protesting her love so far back and that I knew nothing. I have always known she was reserved to the point of being taciturn, but I didn't think she could or would hide something like this from me. Even more so that when S told her (if he did) that he had committed to K and his children that she didn't talk to me then. She must have been miserable, and she knows that I wouldn't have freaked out or thrown her out. That I would have supported her.
Anyway, the man K described did not gel with the man L describes. So I called L and (eventually, she leaves her mobile on silent) spoke to her. I told her I had spoken to K and what K had told me (K knew, I asked her permission.) I told her that far from being a broken marriage before she came on the scene, K still loves S and wants him to come home to his children. That I had spoken to her at length and that she seemed genuine, not bitter or hateful, and that I had asked some pretty personal questions which she answered consistently and openly. In short, that I believed her.
Lizzy was silent mostly while I talked (as usual). She admitted the April texts. She denied knowing that S was on long term sick from work or that his stress/depression issue predate her knowing him. She denied ever telling him she would have an affair. She didn't know he was on serotonin for depression. She didn't respond when I asked her if she knew that until he met her S was completely uninterested, even hostile to, outdoor activities. Also when I asked her if she knew he had alienated himself from his children or that K clearly wanted him to go back to her. I asked her to talk to S and she said she would.
She later texted me telling me she had just capsized a kayak in the pool and wishing me a goodnight. I have no idea if she has spoken to S. I assume he is staying with her tonight so I assume they have come to some understanding.
So now I am awaiting the next chapter in this increasingly strange story which, I feel, is being inflicted on me. Lizzy is clearly in lurve and showing all the delusional signs of self imposed happiness which comes with it. I had written S as the villain of the piece, an evil lothario who has seduced my love away from me, but now I don’t know at all. I don’t know what to think. I believe that each of us chooses, consciously or otherwise, everything we think, feel, say and do. I believe that Lizzy has chosen this every step, text message, email and day out of the way. But are her choices based on skewed information? K asked S if Lizzy ever saw him in his almost catatonic moods or rages and he hedged. Will Lizzy find over the coming days, months, years, that the man she left her home and family for isn’t who she thought? What she wanted? I can take no pleasure in the irony that she has abandoned me for such puerile reasons (I don't like hiking and ill health has rendered me too week to canoe or climb any distance, I cant drive) for a man who’s own wife describes as a spendthrift couch potato.
I am in the bizarre condition of being almost as concerned for S as I am for L. Depression is self limiting, if untreated it will generally either kill you or you get better in six months. People rarely need to die of depression these days. So in six months S will be thinking clearly (especially as he is having an extended holiday with L and has no external pressures) but what will he need then? How will he feel about the way he has behaved? About his children and about K?
I am really worried for Liz. She has fallen for a man who, as far as I can tell, doesn’t exist outside of some mutual fantasy. Will he continue to meet her needs for outdoor activities when his mood improves or worsens? How will she react if his mood swings and “menacing” behaviour impinge upon their life in a van, or worse if they organise and commit to a flat together? Worst of all, from my perspective, is that all this has happened despite L knowing that he has a young daughter. The greatest (acknowledged) regret of our marriage is that we have only one child and that Liz doesn’t have a daughter. She is incredibly sensitive to the needs of young girls because they weren’t met in her own childhood. For her to be doing this seems not only out of character and cruel, but almost crazy. It is attacking her core beliefs about relationships and responsibility.
I have become, over this last two weeks (yes, two weeks ago today was when I found out my world was falling apart and I hadn’t been told) incredibly introspective. I have thought over everything I can remember about the past months and years. I am forced to question myself at every point in my day. If I can have missed this then what else was I missing? Where can I put my feet now that the ground has shifted and all the things I thought were immutable have shown themselves to be transient and ephemeral. Yesterday’s conversation with K has thrown my world on it’s arse again.
I don’t want to hope that Liz will return to me. I don’t want to become some middle age, male Miss Faversham character locked in a bitter and unresolvable struggle. I don’t want to define myself, or be defined, as just another dumped and forgotten man. I don’t want to give up on my love for this crazy lady, a love that I thought (however naively) was strong enough to last a life time. I don’t want to see my best friend throw the best thing that has ever happened to her (her words, not mine) on a fantasy which will crumble in a season. I don’t want to be angry any more. I don’t want to live my life knowing that something so special is transient and that effectively all I have to do is to wait long enough and the pain will fade to nothing. I don’t want to have endless hypothetical conversations with her in my head saying things i would never say, hearing things I will never hear.
I just want all this to stop.
After twenty two years of being “the other half” I have forgotten how to be alone. I have forgotten what it is like to face the long dark each evening in a cold bed. About planning shopping for one. About the thought of dying alone. Of getting ill again without the spur of a shared love to make getting better a worthwhile thing. Of not sharing my thoughts with a human being and of hearing theirs too.
Two weeks in and I still don’t know what to do or how to do it.
I just want this to stop.

Moving forward.

2011-10-04T05:22:00.001-07:00

Another day. Two weeks ago today (for me, I acknowledge it was an issue for her for longer) this whole disaster started. Two weeks. In fourteen days my life has been stripped of everything which gave it form and meaning. Whilst I am fortunate to still have somewhere to live, and my 19 year old son with me I am without a sense of goal or purpose any more. I truly did want her face to be the last thing I saw. She truly was (is) as precious to me as the sun on the water. But she has, seemingly casually, thrown away everything we built up over twenty two years.

Spoke with her yesterday. She finally said she loves her new man but could still tell me no better reason for this than he is “a bit different” and that he like to go hiking and can canoe and climb. So, basically, he is not me and he isn’t disabled. Still sounds very fragile and shallow to me, but I don’t think there *is* a good enough reason for finishing what we had. An unreconsilable position I think.

I recognise that she has destroyed everything we have had. That our relationship is over (not our marriage, when I said forever I meant it.) I know, too, that she wouldn’t come back now even if she realised what a tit she is being tomorrow. She’s far too arrogant and proud ever to admit an error and it would never even occur to her to apologise. She has repeatedly told me that she is a bad person, that I do not deserve her and I know that this is not genuine regret but rather a convoluted and trite way of allowing herself off the hook. Of avoiding some of the shame she would (rightly in my opinion of course) feel for her behaviour. I have always known what an arrogant, high handed person she can be. I am used to being perpetually in the wrong (although actually being the wrong man never occurred to me.) But she has made her decision and now has to live with it.

I think she’s acting like a spoiled fourteen year old with her first damp gusset, that she is being used cynically by a man who has just dumped his own wife and children and is assuring himself of a warm bed. She is going to have to see this bizarre, cruel Thelma and Louise fantasy through to its conclusion now, however that may come about. And then she is going to have to realise that fifty (or whatever) is a crap age for starting all over again.

In the meantime, I am going to have to build a new life. I have a home and a son (who may or may not move out soon) and at least until she decides she wants to take it, a dog. I just started an MA in Design Practice, although I may not be able to afford to do it this year now, which will fill some time. I have also got some illustration work ongoing and a book being published in the Spring. I need to get out in Shrewsbury and start meeting people as I don’t know anyone here yet.

So…onwards and upwards.

Phill

Life is freedom.

2011-10-03T01:49:00.001-07:00

Reading Vassili Gossman's book "Life & Fate" could be difficult at any time but for me, right now, it is the perfect book.
When I was 19 I went to Poland and, whilst there I visited Auschwitz concentration camp.  That day changed me in more ways than I want to list using a mobile phone.  Another time, perhaps.  But it hurt so deeply that I have avided fictional representations of the Holocaust.  
Despite Grossman's book following characters into those cold, efficient gas chambers in beautiful, harrowing, human detail the book is a paean, a prose requiem to the joy and meaning of individual human life. 
When one's hart aches or is full of love, one finds that the random music of a radio or a shuffling MP3 player will regularly bring music which resonates perfectly with your feelings.  In the same way this book is resonating ith the best of me when that part of me is at its lowest ebb.
In my grief  for a lost love and confusion for a life suddenly derailed I find, in the long dark of the nights my mind taking me to even darker places.  There is a rope I have which calls to me from it's quiet store.  It promises me peace and an end to fears of the future.  It whispers a seductive message of revenge and dramatic statements.
I am not a suicide.  I will not inflict that on anyone.  But the whispering rope is persistent and wearing.  So I read to pass the long dark and in Grossman I find this:
"When a person dies, they cross over from the realm of freedom to the realm of slavery.  Life is freedom, and dying is a gradual denial of freedom."
To me freedom is everything.  The freedom to live and be and do.  The freedom to come and go, and yes to stay or leave at whatever cost.  Grossman gives a voice to counter that of the rope.

Polygone.

2011-10-02T07:48:00.001-07:00

Grief is a form of terror. The terror of awareness of loss, that no matter how important a thing is to you that it too will wash away in time. I thought mine was a love for the ages, that I had found my life partner. I hoped that her face would be the last I saw in this life. No day was (is) complete without a word or a glance from her beautiful brown eyes. Every wrinkle and sign of passing time on her face was (is) a stamp of shared experience and an affirmation of the worth of our love and shared trust. There is a cold terror in knowing, now that love is betrayed, that in time I will reach a point of equanimity which is currently incomprehensible. That I will laugh and smile and mean it again, be sociable because I want to not because I need to. That the emotion which has formed the bedrock of my reality for twenty years will be rendered irrelevant by the application of times arrow. No worlds crumble or great poetry is written. No vile crime is committed. Just a slow easing of pain rendering meaning and purpose meaningless and without point.

I am living on the brink of tears and screams and horror at the situation. I veer from manic brightness to near suicidal despair in the course of a day. I can’t sleep or eat or even drink unless I remind myself or someone else does. I have reached the lowest point in my emotional life that a human being can reach. And yet time, and grief, will render this meaningless. My mood will recover. I will eat and drink and socialise. I will get through it. The painfully raw will become smoothed and normal and eventual unnoticed.

And the terror of this is that I don't want this to happen. I *want* the world to crumble and fall, I *want* terrible crimes to be committed and great poetry written. I defy grief because I want the love which has defined my adult life to be worth more than a few months pain. Because it seems now that without that defining point my life was, is and will be undefined and pointless. That with the fading in grief that which I had always held to be the best part of me will fade and wither too. That the man who services this winnowing will not be me. Will not be a man I wish to meet.

Isolate.

2011-10-01T05:01:00.001-07:00

I'm trying hard not to become hateful and bitter, despite everything. I am so shaken nothing feels right about me or my world. I am heavy company, unable to think of anything but my anger and shame. I so need to not be lonely but sitting here in the Shrewsbury Cafe I have never felt more alone, more vulnerable. So I am inflicting my misery on you, internet. Pretty sure it won't be the last time. I know no one reads this journal but the thought of the bits and bytes of it slithering through your countless wires is somehow comforting. I feel as if I can rest here, where there is no here, away from a world which suddenly feels like a cold, steel trap. Perhaps I canfind a way here to pass the inevitable days i know must come while I grieve for all my betrayed and broken dreams. Perhaps I can avoid forever becoming the bitter, hateful and broken man I can see I am right now.

My Last Email to my Best Friend.

2011-09-30T08:12:00.001-07:00

I want to record and remember this email because it is a point in my life I never thought I would see. I never saw the breakup of my marriage coming and I have worked so hard to avoid it since I did. But I can go no further, do no more. I am bereft.

“

I have been thinking about this email all day and about how limited emails are. But then you don't have the courage or the inclination to talk to me even on the phone so emails will have to do.

Since this began, and once I got over the initial horror, I have tried to keep my feelings under wraps. I felt you were making a depressives mistake and I didn’t want to make things worse. But now I realise I couldn’t have been more wrong and I want to finally tell you how I really feel. About this last fortnight and about you.

You have done the worst possible thing in the worst possible way for the shallowest and most pathetic of reasons. You are pissing away twenty years of (what I thought was) love and mutual respect, for a man who can give you better weekends, despite never having had to deny yourself anything when it came to doing what you wanted to do. You have chosen, day by day, to allow him to lead you away from me by your cunt because he can walk better than me and probably fuck better than me. You might even have had my sympathy if you had chosen to talk to me, but instead you have, email by email and day away by day away chosen to be deceitful and to deny whatever it was you may or may not have felt for me. You certainly knew, every time you emailed or phoned or met him that you were deliberately hiding from me how things were changing between us. We both know that we choose everything we think feel say or do. You have chosen to think of yourself, disregard any feelings you may ever have had for me and treat me as if I were a disposable object. Lizzy you dumped me by email. Email!!! And then you wanted me to continue here as if nothing had happened!! Whatever the state of your feelings (and frankly I don’t care now) you have chosen to treat the man that on our anniversary three weeks ago you described as (and I quote:)

"You really are Sir Perceval - pure of heart and good - a wonderful person I will always love and cherish. Thank you for the last twenty years - you are my anchor and shelter in a storm."

Very poetic. Did you get that from a book? Because I certainly don’t feel loved and cherished. That wedding anniversary card still doesn’t read like a notice to quit to me. I believed every word, right up until the moment you emailed me to tell me you had committed to someone else.

Far from loving and cherishing me you have behaved shockingly. You have shown such a shameless lack of respect for me and for the trust and faith I have had for you for so long that it really is only today that I am seeing it for what it is. I was afraid if I showed my feelings I would play into your "poor me" martyr syndrome and push you away but as you have walked away from me in such a bastardish way I frankly have nothing to lose now, do I?

So how do I feel? I feel raped of all my trust and love. I feel I have been violated and beaten and abused by the person whom I most trusted in the world. (That's you by the way, in case you really are as much a fool as you seem to me now.) So often over the last twenty years you have said that you don’t deserve me, that you are a bad person and I have comforted you and made the world right. Turns out you were right. You don’t deserve me and you ARE a bad, selfish, cruel, unfaithful, ugly person. That's so hard for me, a man who has only ever seen and loved your beauty, to acknowledge. Right now I am so angry with you that I hope he is a sadistic rapist so that you can begin to see what you have done to me. You have often said I should hate you and despite all my love and affection for you right now i do. You are behaving like a selfish teenager, or more accurately like a selfish and over indulged middle aged woman having a mid life crisis. I have tried to compensate for my disabilities by loving you more, by encouraging you in everything that makes you happy and supporting your every decision, no matter how impractical or expensive. But not any more. You have chosen to leave me behind and so now you are on your own. I almost hope things do fail with him, so that you will know just how truly alone you are and see yourself for the deceitful, wicked fool that you have been. There has been so much love for you, here and among your friends, but you truly don’t deserve it. You deserve to die old and alone and neglected knowing that you could have had so much more but you threw it away on a seasons passion and a few days out.

I hate you, I pity you, I ache for you and I love you. Nothing for me will ever be the same again. How can I trust anyone after a betrayal like this from you? You! Go away with him and find out for yourself how easy or not it is to build a life when you are fifty and the man you have chosen has a partner and children already abandoned behind him, just like you. Go ahead knowing every time you bicker and argue how thin your veneer of support and "love" is. Knowing that however much of a trusting fool you are that, like me, you can be thrown away on a whim. Remember that every humiliation and hurt you have so easily heaped on me can be heaped on you. Remember that every day and defend yourself Liz, I know I wish I had.

I wanted to keep a door open for you here. I wanted to believe, like a stupid fool, that maybe one day you would come back and we could try and begin again. I was thinking of storing your belongings in the downstairs loo so i wouldn’t be reminded of you every day but that they would be safe. But that would be wrong. You have shut the door. You have lost any right to my caring and support. You have alienated yourself from me and, perhaps even more unforgivably, from your son (who's abiding memory of you is your repeatedly calling him selfish and then doing THIS.) Frankly, if I had a garden I would burn them tonight. As it is, either remove them by Sunday or you can buy them back from Oxfam. You deserve no more.

From the one who didn’t rape you or neglect you. The one who didn’t belittle you or deny you. The one who hasn’t abandoned you. The one who has held you through times you felt you were alone. The one who has always treated you with respect. The one who has never betrayed or humiliated you. The one who deliberately and consistently showed you nothing but the passion and love he has felt for you every single day we have been together. The one who owes you so much and has obviously given you so little.

Phill

Prophet.

2011-09-29T03:06:00.001-07:00

So, I have come to the end of a long and rewarding part of my life. My marriage is over. I think I deserved better than an email after twenty two years but I suppose we cant have everything. Right now I am feeling numb and bruised and quite thoroughly ashamed at failing so spectacularly at such an important thing. However, I am not a teenager and I know that I will come through this, however much I wish I wouldn’t right now. That order will come out of this helpless mess.

So this morning I took the dog for a walk in the glorious sunshine and I have decided to make the best of things. And there is a lot of good around me, even now. I have some amazing friends, some of whom I have never even met in person, who are showering me with support which feels very much like a kind of love. I am beginning to see how my gratitude for their kindness can become a focus for recovery, for moving on.

I have just started an MA in Design Practice at Glyndwr University in Wrexham. It all seems a little pointless this week, but I know that being with people, and especially creative young people, is just what I need right now and into the future, so I am sticking with it.

I haven’t been able to even think much about drawing this last week, but there is quite a lot in the offing for me.

I have a commission for a book cover for local author John Simcock.

I have just met with some lovely apiarists who want to rebrand their honey products.

Simon Greaves has asked me to do colouration on a graphic novel about peak oil he has written and is drawing (plus when finances allow we will be working on Macbeth together as part of the Shakespeare Comic Books series.

There is a fascinating competition running with the Folio society to illustrate The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter. I just read this wonderful book and the stories call to me so I will be having a crack at this one over the coming weeks.

Local entrepreneur Simon Wood is building a unique range of high quality, beautifully designed and drawn teeshirts which are available through Halu Clothing and he has kindly asked me to contribute.

So anyway, there is enough to keep this lazy, overweight grieving middle aged loser going until I can stop being so self pitying, move on and begin to live again.

Phill

Solipsism.

2011-09-28T04:57:00.001-07:00

I like my blog. I am content for it to be a personal reflective diary. I enjoy feedback but dont miss it if none arrives. It allows me freedom to talk whilst alone.

No pictures today. I met with two new clients yesterday, apiarists looking to rebrand their honey products. I had a fascinating evening and have begun to learn about beautiful catenary curves, the colours of pollen and the charms of a baby queen. Most movingly that hives are human - blood warm. And the concept of non-violent honey.
In other news I have started an MA in design practie at Glyndwr University in Wrexham. At home I am waiting on a decision which will hugely affect my life. I feel like a man on death row awaiting an appeal. A simple binary choice; everything or nothing. My case is made, all that can be done has and now I must wait for life or the sound of a blade falling.

Further news as events warrant.

Phill

Loss.

2011-09-23T09:35:00.001-07:00

My career in illustration, my life in fact, has just taking a painful and surprising turn. A few days ago my wife announced she was leaving me, that she wanted to be with someone else. A common enough story. But as this time it’s mine I am feeling like this has never happened before.

We have been married for twenty years and together for a year or two before that. I love her like the sun on the water and we have been together through the best and worst times. She has supported me through my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis and its attendant disabilities and we have faced triumph and calamity many times. She has blossomed and grown as a woman in the years I have known her and is now the obviously beautiful woman I have always known her to be. She is slim and fit and confident and she wants to pursue the adventure of her life with someone who can travel with her, hike and climb and paddle the routes she needs to go by her side. And I can’t do that because I am disabled and lazy and scared of new things. A few weeks ago on our 20th anniversary she called me her “knight in shining armour.” My armour is rusty and my Lady no longer needs my support it seems. I truly hope her new Paladin is everything she wants and needs.

I am lonely and abandoned and terrified of the future and for now I cant think of drawing. When I can taste more than ashes I’ll be back I am sure.

Phill

Feeling a little punk-y.

2011-09-04T07:34:00.001-07:00

Two designs intended for Halu Clothing. Let me know what you think!

Phill

Unused Illustration.

2011-08-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

I made this piece as an illustration for “A Beginners Guide to Women’s History” by Dr. Bonnie Morris, the bulk of illustrations for which will be completed by the end of September. However, Bonnie wanted a more specific illustration for the section of the book so this illustration won’t be used.
Which is a shame, because I think this is one of the best things I have ever done. I is directly based on this photograph:

These five men refute and destroy EVERY argument of the morally bankrupt fascists for whom the photograph represented pro-fascist propaganda. Just look at them. From the left, the first man is wearing glasses. Someone noticed he had eyesight issues, tested him and facilitated his having glasses (and possibly helped him to get used to the idea of wearing them, no small feat I can assure you!) He is holding hands with the next man who in turn is supporting the man in the centre of the group, as is the man after him. These three men are showing more human empathy and contact than a fascist could dream of. They are supporting a fellow human in need in the face of what must have been terrifying circumstances. Finally, the man on the far right of the image is standing alone and defiant. He is refusing to look at the photographer and seems by his posture to be disassociating himself from the rest of the group. He is, as are they all, an individual human being not a statistic or some spurious political point to be made. The group as a whole show the humanity and defiance that the people of Germany, Italy and others so lacked. They become in my illustration, I hope, heroic.

It is worth stating the obvious. That all of these men would have been dead shortly after this picture was taken. Maybe they even knew it was going to happen. Having been to Auschwitz I know that when it came, death would not have come easily or with dignity or in the offer of peace. I couldn’t find names for these men and it may even be that their names, like themselves, have been erased. But their dignity is shining brighter and will last longer, for me at least, than fame or notoriety or even that pale shadow celebrity.

Good lord. Is this how an artist feels ALL THE TIME?

Phill

Met calls you to Inform On An Anarchist!

2011-08-21T15:08:00.001-07:00

The Metropolitan Police, that august group who's probity is beyond question, have called for upright citizens of our great nation to inform upon those insidious underminers of all that is good, anarchists.
[REFERENCE]
and
[REFERENCE]
They have since changed the "badly worded" call but the fact that this was ever done at all, plus the fact that being asked to report symbology of supporters of Al Qaeda came after the above shows just how shaken they were by the recent civil disturbance in the UK. Also, it shows a complete lack of understanding of the concept of anarchy and the perilous nature of being an official of a state.
Anarchy had and has nothing to do with the riots of recent weeks. Anarchy is a rejection of the state and of leadership, not of rules, laws or (even) policemen. Rules are a natural and appropriate response to civil society. The behaviour of recent days was not anarchy, it was chaos. It was not people organising their own lives with individual responsibility it was a real live zombie film with tracksuited criminals playing the eponymous amoral consumers. To quote Alan Moore:
"This is only the land of take-what-you-want. Anarchy means 'without leaders' not 'without order.' With anarchy comes an age of ORDNUNG, of true order, which is to say voluntary order. This age...will begin when the mad & incoherent cycle of VERWIRRUNG that these bulletins reveal has run its course. This is not anarchy...this is chaos."
Of course, V was wanting the corrupt society of his fictional Britain to be pulled down in flames and much as sometimes we may want this, we probably know it would be an unpleasantness best avoided here in what I smilingly think of as the real world.
Anarchy cannot be imposed (especially by over privileged young people in leather jackets who have a beef with the police about their over-rigorous interpretation of the law regarding hemp.) Imposition requires leaders, after all, and leaders require led. Anarchy is what can happen after politics. When each individual is free to look around them and absorb, or not, the values and culture they see. More importantly, they then have the responsibility to accept the consequences of their actions.
When we see children and youths and morally bankrupt adults behaving like The Walking Dead we are not seeing anarchy or even verwirrung . Nor, when we watch mad max with it's feathers and face paint are we seeing anarchy. Nor in Somalia or in Congo. We are seiing chaos. A complete rejection of personal responsibility and the adoption of state power (usually through liberal applications of lethal force and criminal policing of individuals who hold that lethal force.) Just because, as we are often told, Somalia or Congo "lack an effective government" doesnt mean it's people are not being governed. They are being controlled (governed) by the most adept thug with the most weapons. Interestingly, *our* govenment then often invites them to dinner parties at Buck House... It seems that the only difference between an elected leader and a despot is that despots usually have better suits.
But back to my soapbox! It *did* occur to me to question the difference in moral and ethical terms between the behaviours of the Walking Dead of recent riots and those of the financial speculators of the international money markets. This isn't about Anarchy, by the way, this is a genuine question I want to find an answer to.
Obviously rioting and commercial damage/theft = illegal. Equally obviously, market speculation usually) legal. Legality is not my question. I am trying to identify why the wanton damage of property, business and the destruction of social infrastructure should be considered imoral and unethical when it is done (on a pretty small even if spectacular and nauseating scale) in the streets and yet moral and ethical when it is done to whole nations from an office in The City or New York or Hong Kong? Whole nations are being described as bankrupt, and yet there are just as many individual citizens living and making and buying and working as there was before the headless chicken panic of financiers. Someone decides that a nation is not "a good bet" (hedged or otherwise) and hundreds, thousands become unemployed. They stop producing, consuming, to all intents (and the purposes of the markets) existing. This is morally and ethically unquestioned. I sincerely don't understand the difference. It seems, from my obviously ill educated viewpoint, to be simply that a rioter is a victim of insufficient hubris. Do give me your thoughts, but please dont be offensive or I shall be upset.
Anyway...
Anarchy in the UK? No. Not yet.
Phill
PS: If this should be read by any agent of the civil authorities, please dont feel the need to track me down using hi-tech toys. Just send me a note and I will get back to you. I am an anarchist and I would be happy to come and talk to you about it. _P_

A Brief Interregnum.

2011-08-11T03:41:00.001-07:00

I have completed the illustrations for the second chapter of A Beginner’s Guide to Women’s History and I have decided to take a break for a couple of days for reasons of health. Not that this means stopping drawing!!

I have also been contacted by an author to illustrate the cover of his new novel (further details later as I get them…) and I am indulging in my passion for Rage Comics on Reddit.com.

With all the rioting and insurrection going on these days a young man’s thoughts turn to politics and so…

Be Pure, Be Vigilant, Behave!

Phill

Ongoing work…

2011-07-28T01:04:00.001-07:00

I am still working like a Victorian orphan (thanks to Dan for that wonderful phrase!) on the illustrations for "A Beginners Guide to Women's History" to be published by Beginner's Guide Books.

As the commission is to provide (at least) one illustration per double page spread andf the estimate of the manuscript is to run to 175pp I have planned about 130 images which respond to the text as I have read it. I suspect that the final number of images I will actually use will be about 95-110 but it's better to have too many than too few, at least at the concept stage I think!

At the moment I am getting up about 7am and I am starting to push pixels around by about 8 and working, in all, about seven and a half hours a day at the screen (with regular breaks to avoid burning out my eyes!.) I am, during that time, producing between one and four drawings per day with at least one full day off per week.

Having read the book now two or three times (first time in one go, subsequently by chapter and by sections in detail) I am pretty familiar with the text and with the style of Dr Bonnie Morris' writing. Initially I identified general themes and researched them online and at the library at Glyndwr University, collecting images which caught my eye and stimulated me or seemed to resonate with the text. I also picked out sections of the text which leapt out at me as demanding a visual response or which covered people, events of situations which presented an opportunity for a visual, illustrative response. From that I developed my list of 130-odd concepts from which I am now working.

I am now progressing through the book in a linear way, researching each illustration individually, developing a concept for composition and, usually, identifying figure pose references from the web. Each image then develops in my "usual" way, from a line drawing through textural elements to a finished image. I have been sending the images in web-format to the author and the editor as a Zip file when I have finished each chapter.

Currently (I just totalled it) I am working on the 54th illustration with the looming deadline of the end of September, a deadline I feel confident I will meet in good time.

Being my first "big" illustrative project I am both anxious (a little, less so as I get to grips with the brief) and excited to see the finished, physical object when it is published.

Other Work:

I am developing teeshirt designs for a local company "Halu Clothing" with a Finnish theme. These tend to be done at night, my days being dominated by ABGtWH.

I am pursuing another large commission with a heritage organisation based in North Shropshire and will be submitting a proposal for this work in the next few weeks.

I am still in contact with my friend Simon Greaves of the Shakespeare Comic Book Co. who has asked me to do colouration on a graphic novel he is drawing.

I am networking (where possible given time constraints these days) with fellow creatives and others to develop future work...

Finally, and far from leastly, I have an interview next week to undertake a Master's degree at Glyndwr University in Illustration. Quite how I am going to fund this I have no idea but I live in hope :)

Love & Rockets!

Phill

My journey into Women’s History begins…

2011-06-14T15:37:00.001-07:00

Well, the draft text for "Women’s History A Beginners Guide" has arrived and been put onto my ereader so now begins the Long Journey which will end with my creating between 85-95 B&W illustrations.
I have some tentative ideas for illustrations but tomorrow sees me reading the whole book and beginning to get a feel for the subject and the writing to match my work to it.
Wish me luck!
Phill

NWSAD Graduation Show 2011

2011-06-06T16:25:00.001-07:00

Today was my last day as a learning support assistant at Glyndwr. I went in to help Robin Cross set up his wordpress site as a website and showcase for his work. I also got to catch the animator’s show reel of end of year work which was, of course, fab

Here is Robin’s animation, a section of the introductory credits for a proposed kids show called “Magpirates!”

A bold beginning for the avian buccaneers!

Tinfoil autos by Harry Saxon

VIEW SLIDE SHOW

DOWNLOAD ALL

The tin cars above are fantastically detailed, tiny (the Kit Kat bar shows the scale) and I have NO idea how Harry made them. I stand in awe!!

These images by Tom Berry are indicative of the amazing quality of his work with plenty more examples in his portfolio.

Groovy graphic design by Teleri Roberts.

These stunning images by Collette Ellis grabbed me as soon as I went into the studio and are backed up by mucho work of similar quality in her portfolio…

It was great to see the finished comics by Sarah Pastuch which accompanied her wall panel. Well done Sarah, they are AMAZING!!

The graphic stylings of Aiden Smith would look good on walls or teeshirts or just about any damn where!

And last (but not least) for now, I was caught by Clare Cork’s cute characters in her display:

There wasnt enough time today for me to check out all the work in NWSAD but I will definitely be going back for a better viewing! Well done to all the graduates and best of luck for your creative futures!

Phill

2011 Business Card

2011-05-25T07:25:00.001-07:00

I’ve been working on a new design for my business cards recently and have, finally, come to a decision about the finished designs:

I really like the way one can aggregate information into a QR code which is then instantly available to the increasingly ubiquitous smart phones. Will be getting these printed up in the next week or two…

I have also been playing around with the Coles Phillips inspired Fade Away Ladies, this time in blue:

I’m off for a few days camping in Wales next week and then, hopefully, will begin the mammoth and exciting task of illustrating “Women’s History, A Beginners Guide.”

See you on the flip side!

Phill

Fade-away Woman

2011-05-19T09:06:00.001-07:00

I’m still waiting for the text of “Women’s History, A Beginners Guide” to arrive so I am amusing myself by indulging in some personal work.

A little while ago I came across an illustrator called Coles Phillips who was working in the early part of the 20th Century in America and who was notable for his “fade-away woman” pieces in which the main characters clothing were the same colour as the background.

I am incredibly inspired by these images and wanted to play with the concept. I particularly wanted to break my habit of working predominantly in B&W. I came up with this:

Whaddaya think? All feedback gratefully received!

Phill

A time of wonders.

2011-04-30T08:53:00.001-07:00

I recently progressed further on my path to the dork side and got myself an HTC Desire HD smart phone.

Now I am a bit of a geek so I did a little research but the choice came down pretty much to screen size. I have been finding it increasingly tricky to use the Blackberry's tiny keys (an affect of M.S.) I certainly knew nothing about Android or the non-telecoms abilities of this generation of 'phone...

I was, then, pleasantly surprised to find myself with a phone that can do more than my first three laptops combined AND make phone calls.

The touch screen is incredibly sensitive and does take a little getting used to. The onboard QWERTY keyboad was disappointingly small but a short browse on the Cave of Wonders that is the Android app store soon came up with a (free) replacement. With a little trial and error and, for me, remarkably little swearing I am now on very good terms with this nifty bit of kit.

I plan to do a couple of app reviews in the near future but for now let me give an example of an image taken with the 8 megapixel camera using an app called ProHDR.

Beer Labels...

2011-04-20T04:31:00.001-07:00

Over a very sociable series of cervesas I picked up a short commission to design a set of three special home-brew beer labels.

The label designs are all to be related to a Cumbrian climbing group and rich with hidden meaning.....

Holiday!

2011-04-19T08:32:00.001-07:00

Spending a few days in Kendal whilst Lizzy is in Belgium. Little drawing but a fair bit of web research on women's & American history in preparation for The Book....

A busy hiatus.

2011-04-12T09:07:00.001-07:00

I am currently between illustration jobs, which means I can enjoy drawing for myself and avoid (again) tidying my studio.

For the last three weeks I was working hard on a detailed, historically accurate image for Cadw, the Welsh archaeological/history people. Unfortunately, due to changes at the clients end, the project has been shelved… Ah well, I love history so I enjoyed every minute of it and even though I am disappointed it was a valuable learning experience for me. My thanks go to Sarah Thursfield for her expertise in Medieval clothing!! Unfortunately, as the image was unfinished I have nothing to show here Whilst I am waiting for the text for “Women’s History For Beginners” to arrive I cant start on that, either (although I am doing a lot of reading and am on a pretty damn steep learning curve I can tell ya!)

However, here are a couple of images I have made this last week or so:

(This design is available as a tee shirt at my cafepress store online here.)

And this one was a random doodle.

More news soon!

Phill

Women’s History Brief

2011-03-15T07:35:00.001-07:00

I am pleased to say that I have been commissioned to provide about eighty black and white illustrations and a full colour cover for a forthcoming book published by For Beginners Books.

The 175 page book will be a beginners guide to Women’s History authored by Dr. Bonnie Morris of George Washington University. The project is still in it’s early stages but the cover has been completed and research is progressing!

The following is an early development image for the cover (not used, the final one is better ;) and is of the amazing Harriet Tubman.

Phill

Operation Get A Job.

2011-03-03T11:16:00.001-08:00

As I recently described here in my Journal I have taken to more proactively marketing my work to potential commissioners. I have sent out about 75 emails and 20 print copies of examples of my work and made my way painfully through a list of British publishers to letter “M.”

So far I have received several “thanks but no thanks” emails from agents (I have been sending to them too) and publishers, also some nice “we’ll keep you on record” emails too which is always welcome.

On a MUCH brighter note, I have also had some interest in book illustration from two publishers. One in America and one in Japan. I appear to be more appreciated on foreign shores!

Anyway, have done a couple of test pieces for these publishers to see if I am the right person for the job and am awaiting confirmation or quashing (a nervous time!) Rather fortuitously, one of the images fitted right into a concept I have been carrying around for a year or two now and has come out rather well.

I have also been passed a job by a friend which whilst it is rather short term (a single image) might lead to an interesting relationship with a national organisation if I am *really* lucky.

Further bulletins as event warrant!

Phill

La Follie Bergeres

2011-01-29T08:46:00.001-08:00

I did include these images in my last post, but in retrospect I think they deserve a post of their own. They are inspired by vintage photographs, mostly of dancers from the Folly Bergeres in Paris. They were inspired by coming across American illustrator Coles Phillips.

See you on the flip side!

Phill

Submitting Work. Game on!!

2011-01-27T05:26:00.001-08:00

I've been a busy boy recently!

Before Xmas I got all of the private commissions I had managed to pick up (typically the week after I had to move out of my studio so most work was done in cafes in Ellesmere...) on time and to the clients satisfaction. All this whilst moving house (twice) and enduring the freezing temperatures we all had to deal with here in Blighty.

Over the holidays I had a good hard think about my future as an Illustrator. It's still my primary goal, and despite it's being a hit-and-miss income (i.e. totally irregular) it is what I want to do with my life from now on. I can fit my lifestyle around both career (drawing) and disablity (M.S.) I am fortunate enough to have been able to accomodate my lifestyle around a low income so I dont have the pressures of finance many young people have (I also have the BEST. WIFE. EVER!) And, most importantly of all, I recognise now that I am ready to market myself more broadly as an illustrator.

Since I gradutated in '08 I haven't felt ready to plug myself to a commercial client group and have relied upon word of mouth and random enquiries. Partly this is because I was still hung up on the concept of personal "style." I have often said that if you got 100 drawings together and slipped ten of mine into the group then a dispassionate observer couldnt pick mine out as done by a single artist. I felt that my drawings were too diverse in approach to show consistency. I have friends who say this is not so and I love them for it but *I* couldnt see the consistency, which meant to me that I wasnt ready.

Anyhoo... Over the last three or four months I have, I think, found my rhythm when drawing. I prefer black and white, I generally like doing character portraits, I work best (certainly quickest) from photographic reference and I am most comfortable using Adobe Photoshop. I still enjoy drawing on paper but if I am honest my hands are cramped and a little shakey, so having an undo function helps avoid the wobbly line!

Right, so I am happy enough with my stuff to show it off a bit, so I decide to approach British publishers as a start off (illustrators agents dont seem interested and I have chosen to decide that this will change if I can get published...) Anyway, I got hold of a list of publishers from <a href="http://www.applegate.co.uk/all-industry/products/publishers-book-magazine-0026974.htm" target="_blank">here</a>. These are book *and* magazine publishers, which gives me a big target to aim at! :)

Rather than blanket bombing the whole list I am choosing to be a little more selective and am going slowly. Firstly I find a website (if any) and identify the type of publication(s) they specialise in and try to make a judgesment as to whether my work would suit. I had decided already that my images are probably not appropriate for young children so I dont submit to preschool or primary school specialist publishers. However, I *do* think it would be right for teens or young adults, so I will submit to publishers for that audience. It's also been useful to think a little out of the box. There are publishers who specialise in commercial or corporate reports etc, why not? Who know what the hell THEY might want? ;) So I look into each publisher individually, research their publications, target audience etc etc and then decide yay or nay as to whether I submit. Generally the line is a little weighted to the "yay" side if its an email (free) and to the "nay" side if its a postal submission (60p +envelope and printing for a letter and four A4 tear sheets...)

If there isnt a website I call the contact number and introduce myself and ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!!

So what do I send? Well I have a sort of basic letter/email which I ALWAYS make sure is personalised for the target publisher. I can't stand form letters, so I dont use 'em... This is roughly it before I tweak it:
___________________________________

Hello,

I am a freelance illustrator working from my home studio in Shrewsbury, Shropshire and would like to make myself known to you to be considered for future publications or projects.

Although I am influenced most strongly by traditional illustrators and strive to bring a high level of draughtsmanship to my work, I work predominantly digitally and bring traditional style and quality to the contemporary media

I have been working as an illustrator since 2008 after I graduated from the North Wales School of Art & Design with a BA(Hons) Illustration. Since then I have been developing my techniques along and undertaking several, diverse freelance commissions. . I prefer to work in black and white or limited palette but am quite able to work in full colour as required. I can deliver work in any required digital format or as finished prints.

The following is a brief resume of work I have undertaken since 2008. Examples of my work can be seen on my online portfolio at www.endsofinvention.biz. A broader selection of my work which spans the last twenty five years can be seen at http://pylo.deviantart.com/gallery.

2008:
•    Winner. Student design competition. Glyndwr University official Christmas card (two designs.)
•    Logo design for Station Road Garage Ltd.
•    Graduated 2:1 BA(Hons) Illustration North Wales School of Art & Design, Wrexham.
2009.
•    Winner. Student competition. The Randolph Caldecott Society.
•    Work included in the student section of The Association of Illustrator’s Annual Images32.
•    Work included in Martin Dawber’s “Big Book of Contemporary Illustration.”
•    Digital Colourist “A Midsummer Nights Dream” graphic novel by Simon Greaves, The Shakespeare Comic Book Co.
•    Four greetings card designs for Art Angels In Design sold to Clinton’s Greetings Cards.
•    Logo design for Balmer Alpacas Ltd.
2010:
•    Digital Colourist “Romeo & Julet” graphic novel by Simon Greaves , The Shakespeare Comic Book Co.
•    Logo design for The Homebuyers Friend Company.
•    16m interactive mural for a preschool group commissioned by Oswestry Homestart.

I look forward to hearing from you should you be interested in using my work in future.

Yours,
________________________________________________-

I also ALWAYS stick to the submissions format as specified by the publisher. These are often different and doing it wrong could get you filtered out before they even look at your work. How do they want you to send it? Post or email? How many? What format? Its always worth trawling around the "Contact Us", "About" and "FAQ" pages of a website for the details and backing it up with a phone call if unsure or unspecified.

Some good advice I found on a blog (lost link, sorry) was that a tearsheet (i.e. a printed image sent to a publisher) should always have your name and email/phone contact on it in case the image gets seperated from your details.

So anyway, I decided to go for it and, so far, have sent out dozens of submissions. I think of them as like seeds from a dandelion clock in the wind. Who knows whether they will germinate, but send out enough....

Does it work? Well, I have had a few "we'll put you on our list" emails, but the day after I started I got an email back from a publishers in America I had found who are interested in my illustrating a book on the womens history of the world which comes out in 2012, so yeah...I think it works.

Yours in hope!!

Phill

Doodling into….

2011-01-21T05:37:00.001-08:00

Did you ever start a drawing because it seemed like a good idea at the time and then realise you have *NO* idea how to finish it? That is exactly what has happened with this unfortunate fellow:

He is inspired by a Victorian photograph round on the web. Any ideas or thoughts on where to take him?

Phill

An Artist’s Soap Box Derby?

2011-01-18T03:13:00.001-08:00

The Incredible San Fancisco Artists' Soapbox Derby, 1975. from Mike Haeg on Vimeo.

Would anyone reading this be interested in making an event like this happen in Shrewsbury or the West Midlands? I watched the film, posted by Mike Haeg on Vimeo and am almost bouncing out of my seat with excitement! I might just build a go-kart (the British for soapbox cart) myself for the fun of it…

Phill

The Generals.

2010-12-29T06:31:00.001-08:00

Private commission. The dogs are Hungarian wire haired Vyzstlas. Adobe Photoshop.

Jabberwocky

2010-12-21T02:06:00.001-08:00

Been without regular access to the web for some weeks now whilst relocating from Welshampton to Shrewsbury. My studio is now 30% as big as it was before I moved (in effect a teeny tiny back bedroom) but definitely 100% sexier. Still haven’t found room for everything, but the addition of many many shelves has helped

Haven’t been idle without internet, though, and have been working on two interesting commissions. The first of these was to illustrate the poem “Jabberwocky” by Lewis Carol and is now complete (see above.) The second is to make a “portrait” of two Hungarian Wire Haired Viszlas (dogs) dressed as generals and posed in a Victorian photographic style.

I have also been making hand drawn designs on cushion covers, more of which later as the photos become available.

Oh yes, and I also decorated the photographic Christmas card by Whittington Castle which is now available from their castle shop.

Have a great christmas and a not-TOO-cool New Year!

Phill

Eco-comic ready for plugging…

2010-11-08T23:57:00.001-08:00

I have been working with Simon Greaves of Shakespeare Comic Book Co on his idea for a graphic novel called “Going Fast” which explores the concept of peak oil. Simon is about to take three or four test pages, fully coloured and print ready, to publishers for approval. If a deal is forthcoming the novel will appear early 2011.

Phill

Commercial ventures...

2010-11-02T11:37:00.001-07:00

I put five cushion covers with hand drawn designs Using Sharpie pens, into SPACE arts shop today. Photos when I have access to the camera cable...

Whittington Castle Christmas Card

2010-10-29T05:21:00.001-07:00

The good people at Whittington Castle commissioned me to embellish their beautiful photographic Christmas card which will be available in the castle shop from next week. The Photograph is by Eva Robinson.

Phill

Mrs Coulter completes the set that never was…

2010-10-15T00:41:00.001-07:00

Multiple house moves and domestic chaos caused me to miss the deadline for the Bologna Illustration Festival this year, but I am still very happy with the finished drawings so here they are in glorious monochrome:

So there you have it, the competition entry that never was. A rather long-way-around for making fan art I suppose, but as always an absorbing and educational project for me as an illustrator.

Although I consider these “finished” I am always MORE than happy to receive feedback and comments on the images. Did I make a mistake? Miss something obvious? Could I have done them better? You let me know!!

Phill

Creative (gone) Boom.

2010-10-14T11:56:00.001-07:00

I was asked to make a banner for Shropshire Creative Boom, which I did and as it turns out submitted on the day that the website folded. Creative Boom is still going though and well worth a visit if you are a networking-minded creative…

I got a call from a reporter about my recent blog entry on the Welshampton Festival of Fire. Told her I knew nothing more (or since) I made the blog entry and that she should speak to the Bommy Commy direct for information.

Attended the Oswestry Jelly with Kirsteen Harris-Jones, a very talented illustrator of childrens books, and met again with Heather Noble of Salt Solutions and the lovely Julie Mellors of the Truly Useful Company among others. The opportunity to work alongside other creatives is one NEVER to be overlooked!

I’m away in Cardiff this weekend so a visit to IKEA is in store. Maybe I’ll show them a photo of my decorated sofa ;)

TTFN,

Phill

Portfolio Redux.

2010-10-10T11:45:00.001-07:00

I have been dithering about redoing my website at www.endsofinvention.biz for months now. I have tried (offline…) various free Flash portfolios and even had a go at making my own (fun, but ultimately disastrous.) However, I recently read an article at The Freelance Creative Media Alliance which spurred me to curb my grandiosity and go for a much trimmer, more focussed site. Anyway, the results can be found at www.endsofinvention.biz and I hope, if you should take a look at it, that you will give me feedback!!

Phill

Little puppets, senior artists…

2010-10-08T01:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a busy and long one! The morning was passed sorting out house sale business (solicitor screwed up the cheque…twice.) Then in the afternoon I had been invited some time back to do a presentation on digital drawing and illustration to the Criftin’s art group. It was a really cool group of, mostly older, people who mostly paint for pleasure. My presentation on Photoshop and how I work went down well and the oldest member of the group (90) spent a good while playing with PS trying his hand at digital calligraphy.

In the evening Sarah Stokes and I ran the third session for the Ellesmere Scouts making hand puppets. The first session was notable for the disaster of the playdough dissolving, but we had recovered from that last week and by the end of the final session yesterday they all had a head and a costume and all of which were decorated. Making teeny tiny hand puppets isn't as satisfying maybe as making megapuppetry, but working with the children certainly was :)

Here is a link to the brief session plan for making simple hand puppets. Quick suggestion: DONT USE PLAYDOUGH!!!

Session plan.

Phill

Leaving the Bommy Commy.

2010-10-02T17:00:00.001-07:00

I have decided that I will not be supporting this years Welshampton Festival of Fire. The decision was a hard one and means I will be unable to be part of an event which has become an integral part of my life over the last few years. Coming on top of having to move away from my home in Welshampton this week has made it doubly hard.

Some weeks ago the landowner of the bonfire field made an application to put a beer tent on the field during the festival. He did this without consulting the bonfire committee. By doing this he both compromised public safety (a forty foot bonfire hot enough to melt glass, a crowd of up to 4000 people and alcohol do not mix), he imposed upon the good will of a group of friends who organise and deliver an event of increasing local and even regional importance unnecessarily and he drew official notice where before it had not been necessary. Because he applied for an alcohol licence the audience is limited to 499 unless the bonfire committee also apply for an events licence. As these cost £1000 they don't have, take about two months to organise and the event is scheduled for the 23rd it has left everyone involved up the creek. Added to this, even if he withdrew his licence the local authority are now “officially” aware of the event and so will insist upon their taking lots of money for various licences and other taxes which they insist are necessary. This despite the fact that the event is now in its ninth year, has been widely reported in the media, advertised through the Council’s websites and, I believe, attended and feted by several senior politicians and functionaries. They have even given the event small amounts of money before but as soon as they sniff success they demand cash or closure like the vilest of criminal thugs.

Between a rock and a hard place, the Bonfire Committee have decided to go with the alcohol licence (unless the twit who owns the land withdraws it) and reduce the crowd limit to 500 people. They have also decided to alter the show, reducing the spectacle and the area within which the (hopefully not intoxicated) public will be able to enjoy the show. Finally, and to me most heartbreakingly, this will be the last ever Welshampton bonfire.

I have been agonising about this because the creative effort and teamwork which has heretofore gone into the developing, building, making and production of the bonfire festival has been pretty much the centre of my year. I treat the three weeks before the show like a joyous holiday which, although it tests me physically and mentally (I have had relapses of MS pretty regularly in November the last few years…) has almost literally saved me from becoming moribund and has opened my eyes to so many new people, skills and creative avenues that in a new lifetime I could never be grateful enough to the people of the Committee.

However, I feel even more strongly that by compromising under pressure from an exploitative, devious, selfish, carpet bagging landowner has taken the event to somewhere I do not wish to accompany it. Not even for its last hurrah. Rather than be part of something I can no longer feel is true to itself I would rather withdraw in good grace and so I have done so.

I of course wish everyone on the Committee, ALL of whom I love dearly as friends and to some of whom I sincerely believe I owe my continuing existence, all the best for this their final show.To the people of North Shropshire I can only express my sorrow that they have lost something so special. To the slimy shitbag who precipitated this, I wish nothing but a plague of boils, poverty and abandonment by his loved ones with a final demise in a frosty ditch where crows will eat his worthless eyes.

Phill

Re-evaluation.

2010-10-01T14:36:00.001-07:00

Perhaps it is time for a re-evaluation of my career path as a Freelance Illustrator.

This week I have had to pack away all my drawing equipment, my paints and brushes, my desktop PC and my A3 printer. Also, I have moved away from my lovely studio and my beautiful house to a temporary home. To be fair, though, I *am* moving with my family (whom I love) to a new and equally lovely house in Shrewsbury so I am not complaining.

However, the move HAS made me think about things and look closely at the way I have been directing (if such a structured word can be applied to such a vague process…) my career.

Recently I have been bidding for work on www.vworker.com, www.peopleperhour.com and www.elance.com but I have found this a) unproductive and b) depressing. Depressing because of the insultingly low budgets and exploitative attitudes of almost all the job posters. Unproductive too because a western illustrator can always be outbid by an eastern illustrator who can afford to earn less. Doubly depressing because that just means they are being exploited. I have decided I am going to withdraw from all these websites and their exploitative, sneering business models.

I have also been using Twitter and begun to meet with other freelancers at the local Jelly meet. This is proving much nicer although no more lucrative. Not that I mind. One of the downers about working freelance is constantly working alone, so the opportunity to spend time, working time, with fellow creatives is one to be grasped with both hands.

I am going to stop now and consider m reflections further as to be honest I am finding it difficult to order my thoughts. I am aware of a need for change if I am going to make a go of Illustration and this is more than one blog entry’s worth of thoughts…

Phill

A Minor Disaster…

2010-09-23T14:14:00.001-07:00

I was asked to run a workshop with Sarah Stokes tonight at Ellesmere Boy Scouts to make puppets. Its a simple process wherein you sculpt a head from plastecine, cover it with tissue paper held on by vaseline and then papier mache over the top. Simple enough except the Boss Scoout bought play dough instead of plastecine which, I find, dissolves on contact with a) vaseline and b) wallpaper paste. Tonights workshop was a spectacularly messy disaster but a great hit with the Scouts who all managed to get coated in the stuff. We live, we learn….

Next week we will try something else….

Phill

Bologna Campaign Continues…

2010-09-23T05:26:00.001-07:00

I have been working for some hours today on the fourth of five images intended (hopefully!!) for submission to Bologna.

The above is a Work In Progress piece. As with all other posts, any comments and critiques are not only welcome but are most gratefully received!

Phill

Mondo Muchness

2010-09-21T16:10:00.001-07:00

Not content with moving house (1st October), trying to get five themed illustrations ready for submission for Bologna (deadline October 1st) and preparing a series of greetings cards for sale (see previous blog entry) I am now coordinating Puppetry, Props, Costumes and Village Hall Prettification for the Spangtacular Welshampton Festival of Fire 2010. First meeting is on Friday and I will need to have some design drawings by then.

I am also committed to do three sessions over the next three weeks with Ellesmere Boy Scouts making hand puppets. More on that later. I plan to publish a “how to” here on the blog. I *plan* to blog the process of the Bonfire this year, but given time constraints we shall see…

Tomorrow I have to do more Bologna, another greetings card design and, oh yes, pack up my entire house and studio belongings ready for moving next week.

Phill

Eeek!!

2010-09-20T08:04:00.001-07:00

It looks like packing madness will commence… Our house buyers want to be in by October 1st!!!

Mad Hair!

2010-09-19T14:33:00.001-07:00

It’s funny but the image people pick out of your portfolio is never the stuff you preen yourself over creating. Some years ago I played about with an add-on piece of freeware for Adobe Illustrator called Scriptographer, which alters your lines into funky patterns using javascript. The picture didnt take long to do and I called it “Autumnal Hair” for obvious reasons:

So anyway, since then I have tried to sell my images as greetings cards and ALL the people I have asked to look at my stuff picked this image out as potentially saleable! So, finally, I have decided to return to Scriptographer and go with the flow… Here are some designs for shopping based greetings cards:

What do you think?? As always I really value any and all comments and critiques!

Phill

Closure.

2010-09-19T06:44:00.001-07:00

Today I packed the hens Green and Black and their lovely Egloo home off to a friends house in Kendal, Cumbria. To say I am sad is an understatement. Its not just that I’ll be without chickens for the first time in six years, I know they are going to a good home and its one that I visit regularly, but mainly I think because it is a step toward moving away from Welshampton. Tomorrow I will dismantle the coop and continue packing up my beautiful studio. Already in a few boxes. The house we are (hopefully) moving to is smaller with no garden so no room for hens or studio. No idea when the boxes of sketchpads, reference books, pencils and crayons, paint and paper will be opened again. So, anyway, I am a bit sad.

On a brighter note, the Welshampton Festival of Fire is at the end of October and the annual madness will begin soon (meeting this Tuesday I musn’t miss!) and I am still working like stink to get five images finished in time for submission for Bologna. There has also been some interest in using my work for greetings cards recently so I am working on using Scriptographer in Adobe Illustrator to make those, which is fun and challenging at the same time…

So. Further bulletins as events warrant :)

Phill

Collage in Photoshop Tutorial Webcast

2010-09-17T04:53:00.001-07:00

This is my first attempt at a webcast tutorial and was dictated by some recent discussions on Facebook with friends. If you find it useful please let me know, also if you would like webcast tutorials on other Photoshop drawing techniques. As always, I am very open to any critique, comments or suggestions for improvement!

The basic files for this tutorial should be downloadable from here.

Phill

My First Webcast – Lyra belacqua Walkthrough.

2010-09-14T07:59:00.001-07:00

I’ve been asked a couple of times how I make my drawings using Adobe Photoshop and I am in the process of designing a teaching course for the same so I thought I would combine the two into a webcast. I chose to do a simple walkthrough of a recent piece for my first attempt. All feedback and suggestions on content and style would be greatly appreciated!

Three down, two to go.

2010-09-12T04:02:00.001-07:00

I have completed three of the five necessary images for the Bologna competition. I love drawing like this even though I *know* some folks find it a bit overworked and old fashioned but damn it takes time!!!

Lyra Belacqua.

Lord Asrael

Tony Macarios.

All characters are © Philip Pullman and are my interpretation of characters appearing in his novel “Northern Lights.” All the images are made exclusively in Adobe Photoshop.

Further bulletins as events warrant (a polar bear and a balloon next…)

Phill

Moving Times.

2010-09-10T15:00:00.001-07:00

Well, my house has sold (subject to etc etc etc) and the valuer guy is coming next week. In the meantime we have looked at some pretty cool properties in Shrewsbury, which is where we are headed. The big deal for me is that I will lose my studio…heartbreaking!! I have decided to sell my home made printing press and I guess the furniture from the studio will have to go too. I’ll begin boxing up my reference book this weeks and chucking out anything which is too big/messy/dusty/knackered to keep. I am NOT looking forward to this!!

No work on the Bologna images today, spent the day in Shrewsbury trawling estate agents…

Received a message from a company called Cardmonster who want to use some of my images as greetings cards today. Contact came via PeoplePerHour.com with which domain I am having a troubled relationship. I am finding that the inexplicable assumption that a) artwork just happens and that b) it is monetarily almost worthless is quite common amongst the people who post jobs on the site. For myself I am beginning to think that its a badge of honour NOT to get jobs on the site but when I see someone asking for an illustrator to work on a full childrens book for £200 or to design plush toys for £40-50 with no mention of copyright or royalties I get narked. And the fact that these jobs get dozens of people bidding for them irritates me further. Either I am being outbid by non professionals who will turn in a naff job or someone is being exploited or both. I have adopted a policy of only bidding at reasonable rates (from £25 per hour) and of challenging unreasonable job budgets.

Cant see me getting much work THERE then! :S

Phill

Bologna Campaign Continues

2010-08-27T03:49:00.001-07:00

I am continuing to develop the five images I need for submission to Bologna this year. Time is tight so I am working on several at once.

Firstly, and most complete, is my interpretation of Lord Asriel the ambiguous father figure of the novel:

And secondly, Lyra Belacqua, the brilliant, in soma ways equally ambiguous, heroine:

Obviously, these are both still very much W’s in P. However, any comments and corrections, critiques and suggestions would be most welcome!

Phill

Bologna.

2010-08-20T15:20:00.001-07:00

I’m seriously thinking of entering the Bologna Illustrators fair exhibition this year. I need to submit five themed illustrations and I have chosen to do five character portraits from “Northern Lights” by Philip Pullman. This is a WIP of the Lord Asriel portrait. All comments gratefully received!

Yours pensively

Phill

Shakespeare on Amazon.

2010-08-19T06:43:00.001-07:00

The introductory texts in graphic novel format of Romeo & Juliet and A Midsummer Nights Dream (amusingly billed as by William Shakespeare, Simon Greaves and Phill Evans) are now available for direct purchase from Amazon.

As well as the links above, the images on the right of the blog will now link direct.

Phill

Homestart Interactive Mural Launched.

2010-08-18T06:23:00.001-07:00

I had intended to blog the process of the build for this mural but I spent so long DOING it that the rest of the time was sleeping :)

This is a 16m long mural designed to be interactive and to encourage play for preschool and primary school age children.
The mural was designed with the mums and staff and is made on 9mm weather plywood. The paint is mostly matt emulsion either bought off the shelf or, in one case, mixed specially. I did use some acrylic paint, especially black for detail and keying.

There are sever blackboard areas (the spaceman's helmet and the elephant for example) and there is a magnetic colour sorter for younger children. The worm game has metal plates attached and magnetic pieces. There is a number/throwing game in the corner fish bowl.

I deliberately made the design un-themed as I didn't want to try to dictate the children's play. I also made the shapes in the worm game random so that the children could make up their own rules when playing.
The mural was officially launched today and the children saw it and played with it for the first time and I am glad to say that they got it instantly and soon the whole mural as well as the play toys in the play area were being used.

I have learned A LOT doing this project. About the design process, about the way physical perspective of ones intended audience (in this case about three feet high…) and about the challenges of actually MAKING such a large image. If I were to do it again I am sure I could do it quicker and slicker, but I dont think I can improve on the amount of fun there is in doing a project like this :)

Total time to make: About 175 hours over a month.
Total cost: £400 for paint, varnish, wood and sundries.

I am available for commissions for doing this again as it was GREAT FUN!!!

Phill

Hagelund Sofa Bed Makeover

2010-08-09T04:27:00.001-07:00

Seriously been wanting to do this for a while!

Its an Ikea “Hagelund” sofa bed with a new, plain white cover set (cotton) decorated with an indellible Sharpie pen.

I am making the doodle up as I go and enjoying it immensely. I think of the style, with no areas of solid black and its convoluted use of meaningless symbols as “Disney Gothic.”

Its a work in progress and I eventually intend to cover the whole thing to provide a consistent visual texture.

A bit of a close-up. Any text is nonsensical or irrelevant to the rest of the piece.

Phill

Gallery visit…

2010-08-05T14:45:00.001-07:00

I went into SPACE in Ellesmere today to admire the complete lack of red dots on my work (I must admit, I hadnt given much thought to selling them before the show.) I also spoke with Dee Morgan of SPACE about some interesting future arts projects locally.

Further bulletins as events warrant…

Phill

Homestart Mural: Day 4.

2010-08-03T13:10:00.001-07:00

I spent a couple of days base coating the in situ parts of the mural and removing various bits of dead wood from the previous mural. Today I had two hard working teenagers helping me and we managed to get most of the hard work done.

I decided to make the picket fence in red only as varnishing the matt colours would have been prohibitively expensive.

The boards had to be attached at a variety of angles to accommodate the two way slope of the play area. This meant that the mural wasnt perfectly aligned (as I had wanted) but the overall effect is still OK.

The trickiest part was fitting the netting behind the goldfish bowl throwing game.

As the plans for the use of the play area have changed since the design, I have ditched the garden scene for the eleventh panel on the shed.

Instead the small panel will be a blackboard with a design around it which goes up and over the window.

The whole project came together today. I still have some work to do at home (making the playing pieces and the pencils) and then I think one more day next week and I will be done. I understand that Homestart have moved the deadline back by a week, but I will hopefully still be finished by the 10th.

Phill

Illustrati - Home of the Illustrati Group

2010-07-26T04:04:00.000-07:00

Illustrati - Home of the Illustrati Group

Just joined the Illustrati website (membership pending...) and the group of the same name on Linked-In. Looks fantastic thusfar!

AND....

I am working on panel ten of the 16m mural for Homestart. This is the last of the full sized panels. Next is painting the fence post pencils, the extensions for the mural elements which rise above the main top line, the old man's head for the window of the shed, playing pieces and THEN I can go on site and start the work that needs doing there including putting the mural in place, painting the shed and the picket fence. *pant pant*

My plan to blog the make has been curtailed by lack of time, unfortunately. I've been working ten to twelve hours a day on the mural because of the short deadline (August 9th) and asleep the rest of the time. The make has been goping pretty well with (touch wood) no major disasters thusfar although I have learned a LOT about the important of developing and sticking to a clear process when working on a project of this physical scale. I have also been unable to take a photographic record of the make but I will definitely document the mural fully once it is in place.

Further bulletins as events warrant!

Phill

Homestart Oswestry Mural.

2010-07-16T04:46:00.001-07:00

I have been commissioned by Homestart to design, make and install an interactive mural for their preschool support group in Oswestry.

Although I am now on day four of actually making the mural I’ve decided to make a journal of the process, partly as a possible help to anyone else trying this and also as an aide memoir. My notes here arent intended to be a tutorial and may be somewhat bitty (I am working on it about twelve hours a day and dont have much time to spend on the journal before unconsciousness overtakes me…)

After the design was approved (above) I hit my first snag. The price of external plywood has ROCKETED since I last bought some. Given that the design as it stood was intended to cover the whole fence from top to bottom and the standard sized plywood JUST missed being able to cover one panel of the fence per sheet the cost proved inhibitive. So I have decided to make the panel height the width of on sheet (making it landscape in aspect) and cutting it to length. This has altered the design a little but I will be able to use the offcuts to carry details higher.

Having bought in 11 sheets of 9mm external play (about £200) I got on some sadolin clear external varnish and varnished the reverse side of the wood to protect it once it is fixed to the fence.

Paint. I chose to use a mixture of matt emulsion and acrylics with some bits and pieces of paint I have left over from redecorating and other projects. NOTE: Dont mix matt and satin paint, it peels off when layered!!

SECOND NOTE: Sadolin matt varnish isnt, it is smeary and yellow. Use polyurethane clear instead.

I set myself a target of one bord per day and strarted to paint (base coat of white matt emulsion.)

More details later….

Observational Drawing Tutorial

2010-07-13T03:50:00.001-07:00

I worked through this a couple of years ago for the members of a drawing class I was running with Sarah Stokes in Ellesmere. I recently brushed it up and compiled it into one image. Hope it’s helpful! If you use it, or have an issue with it please leave a message and I’ll get back to you :)

LINK

Phill

One in, one out…

2010-07-07T10:39:00.001-07:00

I met with Simon Greaves today of the Shakespeare Comic Book Company and have signed off the cover for Romeo & Juliet. We also looked through the printer’s proofs for the book which look amazing. So, the final version of the cover is:

We are engaged on a personal project together called “Going Fast” which is a graphic novel about oil running out, more of which later!

I have bought in the wood panels for the Homestart Oswestry mural and will be sawing and painting for the next couple of weeks but I am still available for commissions!

Phill

Me at the Character Lab, Glyndwr University.

2010-07-03T14:15:00.001-07:00

CL27
Originally uploaded by desdemonab

I spent a happy day working with Des McCannon and Abi Whitehouse, Ryan Hall and Robin Cross as well as Isaac, Ruby and Eliot working on the first Character Lab, part of Glyndwr University’s Science Festival. Lots of kids came by and made monsters, heroes and various creatures with super powers out of a huge selection of stuff. I then "tested" them "scientifically" by suspending them from balloons and firing them from catapults among other things. The whole thing was to science as jigsaws are to geography but I hope we encouraged kids to think and ask questions as well as being creative (which is a positive thing in its own right as far as I am concerned.)

Homestart Oswestry Mural Design.

2010-06-24T14:15:00.001-07:00

The above has been accepted as a design for an interactive mural to decorate a preschool day centre in Oswestry. As it has to be in place and opened by 10th August I need to get my skates on!

I am also engaged with the NWSAD Character Lab on the 2nd at the Wrexham Science Fair. More details on that to follow but here’s a teaser:

Phill

NWSAD Character Lab @ Wrexham Science Festival.

2010-06-21T06:15:00.001-07:00

I am working with Des McCannon of Lemon Merchant & NWSAD along with several other students and postgrads to develop ideas for engaging children with science. Sock puppets and spinning disks, propellors and catapults are all mooted. The plan is to use the designs with children, live at the Wrexham Science Festival. Further bulletins as events warrant!

I am also engaged to design an interactive mural for a Home Start playgroup in Oswestry which has a tight deadline and represents a lot of work, but to tell the truth I am really looking forward to getting to grips with it. Currently the design is unthemed but with several different play areas and games which inolve interaction with the design. Again, more details once the mums, tots and staff are happy with the design.

Phill